Month 9 Pictures

Here are the pics from the last month.

Month 9

 

Kinsey turned 9 months on Christmas Eve, so I am a little late with this post.

Kinsey is all over the map these days!  She is able to stand up holding on to the furniture and scoot herself along quite swiftly.  When I help her walk and hold her hands, I can also tell she is getting more steady on her feet.  She loves to walk around so anytime she is fussy I can walk with her and she will start giggling. 

We are doing a lot more finger foods now, and she is getting her pincer grasp.  Along with that she is starting to point.  Not at anything in particular.

Napping is going well.  She is consistently napping 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon as long as she is at home.

I worked a lot in December so David did quite a lot of taking care of Kinsey.  Looks like January is going to slow down. 

I'm starting to implement "no".  It's "no" fun!  When I'm wearing my glasses she grabs for them.  So I'm trying to teach her not to do that.  When I tried the other day, I told her no a few times and pulled her hand away from my glasses.  She kept doing it so I gave a firmer no and picked her up and sat her down.  Boy, did she cry!! 

Christmas was good.  We didn't get her anything from us because frankly, she doesn't care!  The other day I gave her my purple comb and she played with it for a good 30 minutes.  We also don't need to spend any money right now.  I was feeling really alone this Christmas because we didn't have any family to be around, but it turned out fine in the end.  My co-worker and our sitter (same family) invited us over and we went there in the evening.  They gave Kinsey so many gifts!  I was shocked.  Their generosity was overwhelming.  Kinsey got lots of clothes, a couple toys, a baby Einstein DVD, an ornament, and a couple books.  She and I got matching scarves, and my coworker gave us a gift card to Applebees and a free babysitting voucher.  Awesome!

Leatrice Update

It's amazing all the people who have prayed and asked about Leatrice.  Thank you so much, it warms my heart to know that you all value and care about someone you don't even know!  It's always nice to know that something that is important to me is also important to you, just because it's important to me.  Does that make sense?

Anyways, she is doing better.  She is off life support and is able to talk, laugh, cry, and EAT!  Hallelujah!

Leatrice

Please continue to pray for my friend Leatrice.  She has now been moved to ICU.  It was not pneumonia, but various complications from Lupus.  Also please pray for her husband Tony and their girls, Embry and Nola.

Praying Scripture

Last time at our small group, we were talking about praying scripture.  Since I have realized how little I do this, and I have started more.  It would help if I actually read the Bible more, but what I do know I have started to pray it.  I sort of had an "ah ha" moment this morning.  I'm a little sick (cold) and was feeling crappy this morning.  I started praying and asking God for Kinsey to be "easy" today.  Then I realized I should be praying for the strength God promises.  Rather than asking for a change in Kinsey to fit how I'm feeling, I'm praying that I will have the strength for whatever comes my way today.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  (Phillipians 4:13)

Speaking of Kinsey, I was re-reading the post before last where I gave an update on how things were going.  Well, they're even better than when I posted the update.  She is really getting much better at entertaining herself.  I've also figured out how to keep her from getting so fussy when she comes home from the babysitter's, because she doesn't nap much over there.  If I hold her and snuggle with her for a really long time when she gets home, then she will eventually start crawling away from me and will be happy to play by herself.  Her napping is doing better too.  She will generally nap 2 hours in the morning and 1.5 hours in the afternoon.  She is also sleeping 30 minutes to an hour longer at night so we're up to about 10.5-11 hours overnight.  She seems less tired overall. 

As for the "twinges" I spoke of in my last blog, I'm even feeling better about that too.  I'm not feeling an overwhelming sadness or jealousy.  Whew.  Thank goodness.

Most of you know my friend Leatrice, but for those of you who don't, please pray for her.  She is in the hospital with pneumonia and is having a rough time.  You can read her story here.

Twinges

I've been feeling "twinges" lately.  That's the best word for the way I've been feeling when I hear about new pregnancies of friends or acquaintances.  Yesterday a friend announced her pregnancy at MOPS and today a patient at work told us she just found out she was pregnant.  I get a "twinge" in my body when that kind of thing happens.  It's sort of a stop-me-in-my-tracks sort of thing, along with a sinking feeling in my stomach.  It just started; I haven't had this feeling since before we got Kinsey, I think.  It's a feeling of sadness and jealousy.  I would like another child at some point, and facing another adoption process is definitely not going to be easy.  It will be worth it, no doubt.  But certainly I would love to be able to get pregnant for the experience of it.  In the end, it won't matter.  Once the baby is here, it's no different to me whether I carried the baby or not, she is my LOVE and JOY. 

So it seems that this feeling comes when I start thinking about having another baby.  The last 8 months I haven't wanted to entertain any thoughts of having another one, so pregnancies have not bothered me at all.  But now things are changing, mostly because Kinsey is into playing and I think about how much I would love to have a sibling for her to play with, and hopefully grow a bond with.  Unless we go with a different agency, then we will have to wait another 10 months before we can get on the waiting list again.  There's a possiblity we would want to adopt an older child.  In that case, we would be waiting much longer because we would think it be best for Kinsey to remain the oldest.

So I'm having mixed emotions.  Sadness about pregnancy but also excitement to think about the possibility of another child at some point, God willing.  We certainly have some things to work through first; namely David getting a job!  But I'm still confident God's hand is in all of this.

Update on my last blog

This cracked me up.  I stole it from Cara's blog.  Mom, you'll have to show Dad because I think he will get a kick out of this.

I'm doing lots better with Kinsey.  I mean LOTS.  It had been a pretty rough two months, but we seemed to have crossed some bridge for the time being.  I've figured out how much alternating I need to do between holding her/giving her my undivided attention and letting her play by herself.  I can tell when the only thing that will help is holding her, so I just do it and hold her for however long I need.  That way, I don't have an expectation that I will be able to set her down in a few minutes, only to have her start crying again.  Then, when there are times she can entertain herself for more than 15 minutes, I just cherish the time and get excited for her that she is able to be independent in that moment.

I'm a little concerned about her sleep.  As in, I don't think she's getting enough overall.  She seems tired almost constantly.  Maybe she is good for the first hour and a half after a nap, but then she'll already start raking her eyes and yawning.  I'm going to read another book recommended by a friend, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby.  I'll see if it has any additional tips, although I don't have high expectations.  Can't hurt to try, though!  I feel bad for her when she seems to be so tired all the time, but I can't get her napping consistent.  Two days ago she took a 45 minute nap in the morning, then a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.  Then yesterday (granted, she was out running errands with David, who had to watch her all day while I worked a very long shift) she napped only about 45 minutes the entire day.  I tried to give her an evening nap at 6:30 when I got home but she resisted. 

As for me, I have been working A LOT.  At least compared to what I have been the last several months.  I have two per diem jobs right now.  In one job I am covering the month of December for vacations, and in my other job I am about to pick up more hours because one of the staff members is resigning this month.  It is a whole different feeling to go to work every day and come home to David and Kinsey.  I actually really like it, because when I come home I can't wait to see my baby and spend the rest of the evening with her.  Working is a LOT easier for me than staying home full time.  I don't necessarily want to go back to work full time though, but if I need to at least I know what it will be like.

Working so much has been a help financially since David has no job prospects at this point.  He's sending out resumes and working really hard to find something.  I'm confident that something will eventually come along, and I feel very patient most days.  Occasionally I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, but I remind myself about friends who have faced the same situation and made it through.  I am completely confident that God is intimately involved in every aspect of our lives, this being no exception.  I know there are things He will teach us along the way.  Already I am learning to let go of material obsessions.  That is a good thing.  I think about what is the "worst" that could happen through all of this, we have to foreclose on our house eventually?  Big deal.  I mean, it is a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things we will still have each other, we'll have food to eat, we'll find a place to live, we'll have our friends, and we'll continue to move forward in life.  We'll have everything that really matters.

8 Months Old!

I think I envisioned 8 months being a magical age.  Not sure why exactly, but for me, not so much!  The last month has been tough for many reasons.  And it seems to be getting tougher.  I find myself constantly asking for advice, none of which really helps.  I've adjusted her schedule a few times to try to figure out something that will work better, and it's all just a crapshoot.  It makes me feel like I'm missing something key, but that I can't figure out what it is.  I'm afraid to accept things how they are and just hope we move out of this stage, because I also fear I'm setting Kinsey up for failure for the near future.  For example, she is clingy and wants to be entertained constantly, or she will whine or cry.  If I pick her up, she is perfectly fine.  However, I can't hold her all day long, that's impossible--and that will set her up to need constant attention much longer than she should as she gets older.  So I struggle to maintain a balance to keep her from being bored but also let her work things out on her own without me going crazy listening in the meantime.

Starting out this post so negative brings me to another struggle.  Because we adopted Kinsey, I don't want to admit out loud that I'm not enjoying much of parenting right now.  It's just difficult at this stage.  I remember before we had Kinsey I had a hard time listening to other mothers complain about the difficulty of parenting, because I would be jealous and wish I could be the one with those difficulties.  Now that I'm there, I'm totally understanding how difficult it is no matter how thankful and blessed I am to have her in my life!  I'm also learning how much talking about my struggles can be cathartic while also gaining much needed emotional support from others.  One last struggle--finding friends who have felt this way.  Lately it seems that when I talk about what I'm having a hard time with, I can't find anyone who has gone through the same sort of things.  Yesterday I did seek one friend out and was able to connect a little bit in this area, so for that I'm thankful.  I'm looking forward to leaning on her for support in the next few months.

As for her development, Kinsey is of course crawling all over the place and pulling herself up like last month.  She has also learned how to get down from a standing position.  That was a milestone I never expected would be anything important, but it is!  Before she could do it she would pull herself up but then cry after a while cause she was stuck there.  Now she's up and down on her own so a little less required on my part.  Sometimes she will pull herself up, decide to get down, then as soon as she is down she wants to pull back up.  So she ends up doing squats over and over.  Too cute!

She also is eating three meals a day of solids, so we're down to just 3 bottles a day.  Sometimes feeding is easy and sometimes she is fussy throughout.  I can't figure it out.  Sometimes she grabs the spoon and shoves it in her mouth and sometimes she will just open her mouth and make it much easier on me!  She is starting the get the pincer grasp but not fully there yet.  She is able to pick up the puffs I give her and put most of them in her mouth.  I'm looking forward to the stage when I can give her pieces of food for her to feed herself.  She now has two teeth.

I threw the Baby Wise out the window and now she gets a bottle before her naps.  Sometimes she will sleep up to two hours, but mostly it is an hour and a half max.  I'd like her to nap longer because part of her fussiness I think is tiredness.  If she could sleep a half hour longer at each nap, I think she'd be better, but I have no idea how to help her do that.  And sometimes she will still take a third nap, but usually I will put her down for a third nap but then she won't go down, even though she's obviously tired.  She sleeps about 10 hours a night.

Clapping is definitely happening now.  Last month it had just started so I wasn't positive if it was on purpose, but it is.  Still super cute! 

As for happenings, David has been home helping to take care of Kinsey since he has been off work now that he is retired.  He is looking for a job very aggressively, and we're praying it will happen soon!  Having David home has been great for my own sleep, because I either get to sleep in or take longer naps.  I will miss that when he goes back to work.

Grammy was here over my birthday and got to spend lots of time with Kinsey.  She gave us some nice breaks and made her yummy home made applesauce.

We go to the park a lot.  Going outside helps her demeanor, and she loves to swing on the baby swings.  I'm grateful to live next to a park so I don't have to drive, I can just walk over there anytime!

Kinsey was a ladybug for Halloween.  We went to two parties, one at a friend's house and one at our babysitter's house.

My cousin watched her a couple weekends ago so David and I could go on a date night.  We went to Outback, it was very nice. 

We also started trying out a new church called Revolution.  It's a church plant that is about 2 or 3 years old.  I heard about it through MOPS and decided to check it out.  So far we like it.  Also, the nursery there is awesome.  The last two Saturdays we went, they had 3 workers in there for 4 babies.

All that said, I'm still grateful to have her in my life, I wouldn't trade her for the world, and I think she is super stinkin' cute!  But if you can relate to my struggle and have any advice or encouragement, comment away!

Here are the pictures from last month!

7 Months

Two big events this past month!  Kinsey started crawling, then she got her first two tooth!  The crawling came on the last couple days on our trip back east.  She had been up on her hands and knees rocking for a few weeks, then finally put the pieces together.  I think her crawl is so adorable!  She LOVES to chase the cat and crawl on the dogs.  She also immediately started trying to pull herself up when she's near the couch or anything vertical.  She can do it on her own occasionally if what she is leaning on is the right height.

When we got home from our trip back east, we thought it would take a few days for Kinsey to get back into her routine.  She was really fussy and needed a lot of attention.  I was getting worried that it was some new personality thing that she needed to be held all the time to be happy.  One day she was super fussy, and I just was so stressed out about how to change this in her.  Then the next day I felt a tooth!  I had been feeling her bottom gums every few days for several weeks, but that day I finally felt something sharp.  We gave her some ibuprofen, and it was like we had a new baby!  So now every time she is fussy I blame it on teething, ha.

Kinsey also started clapping yesterday.  Well, it's more like throwing her hands together at the same time.  But she laughs when she does it, so cute!

Here are the pictures from the last month.

Six Months

Kinsey turned 6 months old a week and a half ago. 

During the month she started eating much more solid food.  She's had carrots, squash, sweet potatoes, peas, and green beans.  The only thing she seems to really enjoy is her cereal, but she won't refuse any of the others.

She is getting much closer to crawling.  I am looking forward to it so she can discover new things on her own.  Everyone tells me I will wish she was back to being stationary, but I'm just in the looking-forward-to-it stage right now. 

We really cracked down on the "crying it out" for her naptimes.  It works great.  She was getting too darn heavy for me to try to rock her in my arms to soothe her to sleep.  We had only been halfway letting her calm herself, but now we are all the way there.  It is much less stressful.  I don't find either way to be good or bad, because if you're able to soothe your baby to sleep and she goes down and stays down, I think that's great.  It's sweet having her fall asleep in my arms, but I'm just not strong enough and she will wake up and start crying anyways if she's not fully asleep when I set her down.  She really doesn't cry much now when we put her down, 5-10 minutes is usually all.  I tell myself in the midst of her crying that it's good for her to burn off extra energy!

We finalized the adoption on September 20th.  It was great, I posted a previous blog about it.

Bathtime has become one of our favorites.  I put her in the Bumbo and she kicks her feet like crazy and splashes the water with her hands.  It will entertain her for quite a while so I can just soak in the tub with her and relax myself. 

Finally, at the very end of the month, Kinsey got sick.  It was a Thursday night and she was unusally calm before bedtime.  I went to feed her the last feeding, and she wouldn't take it, which was strange.  I figured no big deal, she just wasn't hungry for some reason.  As I was taking her back to her room to put her down, she threw up all over me.  Now I definitely know the difference between baby vomit and spit up!  She never had a fever, but was dehydrated from vomiting twice and having diarrhea.  So we gave her some pedialyte when she woke up the next morning (she still slept all through the night, whew) and eventually gave her some formula.  She still had diarrhea for a few days after, but was mostly back to normal by the next day. 

David and I both got sick too the next day, right before we were scheduled to fly back East.  We decided to delay our flights several hours so we could recover.  It ended up being ok; we made it to Florida without any major bumps, although we were pretty drained.  I found out the day Kinsey got sick that my friend's baby got sick too, and they had been in the nursery together at MOPS on Tuesday morning, so something must have been going around there.  In the middle of it all David and I were kinda miserable but looking back it probably wasn't that bad, and now we know a little bit of what to expect when sickness comes to the Gibson household next time!

Here are the pics from the previous month!

Stainless Steel or China?

I went to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) on Tuesday morning at church.  I was very inspired.  The speaker was a pastor at a local church plant and his message centered around how we shape our children.  I can't just hope my child will be a certain way, I need to model the behavior myself.  That's a pretty "duh" statement but I needed to hear it. 

At the end of his message he said something I didn't agree with, though.  I'm not sure if he was trying to be funny, if there was truth behind it, or what, but it got me thinking.  He said when he speaks to men he likes to think of it as throwing a stainless steel coffee mug around, letting it get banged up, because it can take the abuse.  But when he speaks to women he must treat them like china and be gentle, because they are breakable.  Huh?  This got me thinking about how I receive messages and whether I am more breakable or more durable.

I am spiritually dry.  Yuck.  One thing that helps is when people are honest with me when they see me going in a wrong direction.  I'll give you an example of how this has recently occurred.

I was at small group several weeks ago talking about my lack of understanding the need for prayer, if God is omnicient and omnipresent.  I was going around in circles about my thoughts and disbeliefs, and my dear friend said, "You need to stop overthinking everything."  I appreciated her saying this.  I don't actually agree with her statement, but it was a great example of her being bold enough to say something when she saw me faltering. 

I wish I had a little more of this in my life and was treated more like stainless steel rather than china.  Being treated like china seems to allow me to make excuses rather than encourage me to change.  I don't doubt for many women they are more like china in this area, but I guess I'm a stainless steel kind of a girl.

Thankful Tuesday

It's not Tuesday yet, but most of you won't read this until at least Tuesday.  I'll be very busy toward the end of this week, so I thought I'd do my thankful post early.

1.  Yesterday I went to the grocery store.  I always try to park next to a cart return spot so I can put Kinsey in the car and the return area is right next to my car.  That way I don't have to worry about lugging her to the cart return spot and back to the car again.  This time, however, there weren't any spots open right next to the cart return.  Someone had left their cart in between two parking spaces, so I parked in one of them and used that cart.  That saved me one trek carrying Kinsey.  After I was finished shopping, I put the groceries in the cart and was not looking forward to the carrying that was about to happen.  But from behind an elderly getleman said, "I'll take your cart!" and I replied, "Oh AWESOME, thank you!!".  We went our separate ways and I put Kinsey in car, but as I was about to get in I happened to look back toward the man that took my cart, and he put it away in a return cart slot.  The man didn't even need my cart but was just being kind!  That warms my heart, and I was so thankful.

2.  Today was our adoption court hearing.  Several friends came, and some even slipped out of work to stop by and see us, even if they couldn't make the hearing.  I was thinking how wonderful it was to have friends surrounding us and supporting us constantly.  We waited for about 45 minutes, then the hearing was very short (actual time, 3 minutes).  We took pictures afterwards with the judge and then more outside with our group.  What struck me today was that the hearing was very short, without frills, just all business.  Our friends didn't come to get anything out of it for themselves or to be entertained in any way; they came just to support and surround us with love.  Have I mentioned we have great friends?  I am thankful!

Group picture after the hearing before we went to the Good Egg for brunch.

Still Thankful

I'm still thankful, even though I missed the last two Thankful Thursdays.  Last Thursday I was working and this past Thursday I seemed to have on thing after another going on.  So we'll do a double-thankful-Saturday!


1.  We found a place to send our dogs to be trained.  They stay at the "Wolf Whisperer's" boarding place and she trains them for a month.  When the month is complete, we have graduation day where she works with us to take over the Alpha role.  Then they come home and we work with them 30 minutes a day for two weeks.  That is going to be the hard part for me.  She has a lifetime guarantee, so that is a good thing.  We know that it is actually David and I who are going to be the hardest to teach, not the dogs.  They will pick up the training easily with consistency.  That is why we decided to send them to doggie boarding school, so that we know the trainer will be consistent with them.  Then it's up to us.  What I am thankful for in all of this is that we really liked the trainer and have high hopes for a more peaceful house, and fewer bruises on my legs!

2.  I have been getting a few more hours at work.  I started a second per diem (on call/as needed) job which won't likely give me many hours, but it could turn into more down the road.  I also am going to get a few more hours at my regular job.  I was freaking out a little bit last month only working one day a week.  There was no reason to freak out, because we can survive without me working, but it makes it more comfortable and less stressful when I do work at least a couple days a week.  So I am thankful to have just enough hours now to have a good balance, at least for the next month.

A Couple Mini-Milestones

1.  She started saying "Muh."  Then "Muh muh."  Then "Muh muh muh."  Haven't been able to catch it on video yet.  I tried but then she stopped.  She's not ready for the world to hear it yet.

2.  She started opening her mouth for the spoon when I'm feeding her.  It's amazing how much easier feeding her is when she understands it and wants it.

(Nevermind the very messy counter--eeek)

You'll Never Believe This...

...but for this Thankful Thursday, I'm thankful for my job.  This is the longest I've stayed in a job since I graduated from nursing school.  I've learned how to leave work at work.  It's been steady and predictable, which is a relief considering all the changes at home this year.  They have accomodated my scheduling desires while still finding ways to meet their staffing needs.  I also really enjoy working PRN (which means "as needed" in the medical world).  It makes me feel like I'm an asset to them, able to help when needed.  It's nice to feel needed rather than just obligated.

She'll be scooting soon...

I'm Full

I have no idea why I love blogging, but I do!  Sometimes I think in blog.  Weird, I know.

Yesterday I asked Leatrice about the feeling I get when I look at Kinsey sometimes.  How I am just overcome with a feeling of fullness, completeness, happiness...there aren't words quite good enough to describe the feeling.  I wanted to know if that feeling starts to fade at some point, like she just becomes part of your everyday life and you don't really think about how amazing it is that she's here, that she's our daughter.  She said it doesn't go away, that sometimes she feels so happy and full that she is going to explode. 

I asked her to please not explode, I would be really sad without her ;) 

Now, please don't everyone think that I am all rose colored glasses, or that Kinsey never gives me any frustrations.  She does, I promise!  But the good times far outweigh any tough times, so they end up seeming insignificant to write about.

This is my favorite recent picture:

Thankful for Friends

It's Thursday already? 

I'm so thankful for friends.  I'm thankful for Rachael and her husband for starting our Young Marrieds life group through our church.  David and I had a hard time meeting people we could really connect with before we joined this group.  It's changed our lives.  I've developed some very close friendships and have lots of people I can turn to when I'm in need.  We make dinner, babysit, listen, pet-sit, offer advice, laugh, cry, encourage each other...the list is endless.  I'm never in need of something to do, because there is almost always someone available or some event happening.  If you don't have friends like this in your life, seek them out!  It will change your life.

Check us out here

Month 5

5 months old today!

The newest thing this month was starting baby food.  I didn't have a timeline in mind for when to start, but she began making these chewing motions so we thought maybe it was time.  Last week we gave her rice cereal which she seemed indifferent to.  After about the third feeding she started swallowing better.  Then yesterday we gave her carrots.  At first she gave us a "Gross!" face but then once it was in her mouth for a bit she was fine.  I feed her in the Bumbo and it works pretty well.  No pooping abnormalities yet!  This morning she spit up and there was plenty of orange color to it, so I know at least some of it made it into her stomach.

Speaking of poop, if I don't throw the diapers away in the pail immediately, the dogs will jump on the counter and grab them, tear them apart, and eat the poop out of them.  That really deserves a "Gross!"

Sleeping is still not a problem, although now that she can roll on her tummy she wakes up sooner (at least I think that's the main reason).  She will only tolerate her tummy for a little bit before she gets fussy.  She is able to fall asleep on her tummy, but only at night it seems.  I can't swaddle her too much anymore, because she is capable of rolling onto her tummy in the swaddle.  That just doesn't seem safe!  However, the two times it happened she was sound asleep.  She even rolled back over onto her back once.  How she managed to do that is beyond me!  I also have a hard time letting her cry it out because that means she will roll onto her tummy and not fall asleep.  So I've been rocking her.  I'm thinking I can go back to the crying it out method once she is able to roll both ways.  At some point she'll need to learn to soothe herself.  It worked really well before she could roll, but now that she can roll it's a different story.  But, I'm thinking in another month or so she'll be rolling both ways and this issue will be irrelevant.  All that said, she is sleeping about 8-10 hours at night, with 2-3 naps during the day.

Kinsey found her voice this month.  She learned to squeal and shriek.  She hasn't been doing it as much lately as when she first discovered it. 

One thing about Kinsey right now is that she is all smiles.  We saw the birth mother and her family on Sunday for a couple hours.  The whole time everyone was holding her she was just smiling away!  It makes me smile when I think about her smiles!

This month we went to Lake Patagonia with some friends for the day.  It was really nice!  We went swimming and played a game.  Kinsey enjoyed the water and took a nap after that.  I didn't realize how pretty it is in that area.

We go swimming just about every day I am not working.  She loves it and splashes around with her hands and kicks her feet.  She doesn't care for sitting in the floaties too much but she is a little small for them anyways.  Once the weather gets cooler I'm not sure what we'll do!

Here are the pictures from the last month!

Month 5

Thankful Thursday

I'm enjoying Thankful Thursdays because it gets me to write every week, and since I have endless things to be thankful for, I can't see running out of something to say.

This week I have been thankful for how "easy" Kinsey is.  I get asked a bunch if she's ever fussy, which of course she is, but I like that Kinsey is usually happy.  I have also been blessed in the area of sleep, because she still sleeps 9-10 hours at night and naps 3-4 times a day, without much fuss.

It's incredibly tempting to wonder when it will get tough.  I would rather just be thankful for how things are right now than worry about what is to come.  That's such a negative outlook, but it seems to come so naturally.

Since we're on the topic of her, in true Sarah fashion, here is a recent picture!  More to come on Tuesday when she hits 5 months!

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I forgot to call my Dad to wish him happy birthday until it was too late (time difference), Kinsey was up at 4am this morning so I am tired and hurting, and tonight I'm not at all motivated to make dinner.  I'm not exactly having a happy-yay-jump-for-joy kind of day.

These are the days that make me think of my friend, Leatrice, and my co-worker, Janice.  Both have had Lupus for a while.  Leatrice seems to have endless motivation to go to social activities, plan fun things to do with her daughter, cook, and be crafty.  Janice is so faithful about coming to work and working so hard despite her advanced illness.  Whatever illness I have is not nearly as advanced as theirs, and yet I struggle to envision myself doing all the things they do with such determination.

I'm thankful they are in my life, to give me inspiration and hope on days like these.

Thoughts on Being a Part-Time Working Mom

It's not as bad as I thought it would be.  Sure, it was difficult at first and I went pretty much kicking and screaming, but now that I have a couple months under my belt I've realized I can handle it.  I think I even like my job a little bit more now.

Would I rather stay at home and not work at all?  I don't quite know the answer to that.  I do know that I'm very satisfied with working part time.  I get days to stay home and be with Kinsey all day.  Those days really are such a treasure.  I'm pretty sure I appreciate my time with her more than I did before I started working.  Then other days I get to go and be out in the working world.  I get to pursue the calling God gave me to become a nurse.  Our babysitter is so loving and I am so thankful for her.  The whole situation feels very God-designed specially for us!

My Beautiful Story

I've been having some second thoughts about a blog I posted a while ago, Woe Is Not Me--Reflections on Infertility After Adoption.  Not because of what I wrote, but because of how it was perceived.  So I keep going back to it, rereading it, and wondering if I should have worded things differently.  But the more I read it, the more excited I get about the path my life has taken, its twists and turns, and how much I have learned about strength.  I find it to be a beautiful story of redemption, and what's so cool, is that it's my beautiful story!  Sometimes I don't feel like my life is anything to write about, (literally!) but it is! 

May all of you have moments where you can see the beauty in your own story.

Questions

The last three days have been absolutely wonderful.  I have had very minimal pain, and it has been intermittent, not constant.  I feel like I have energy.  I don't feel sick.  I love it.

I don't know why, and I know asking questions can just breed frustration, but I still am.  Is it medication?  Is it because people prayed?  Will it come back?  When? 

I expected this would be a long-suffering issue.  It may.  It may not.  But I'm praising God for this day.  If it becomes a long-suffering issue, I hope I remember that I can have the strength to praise God for days I suffer and days I don't. 

Might as well throw in a cute picture of Kinsey while I'm at it:

Thankful Thursday

I've had about three weeks at home now without working much.  I was only scheduled for Fridays the last few weeks, so I was able to spend lots of time at home, with Kinsey, and with friends.  As I head into a much busier next week, I can be thankful I have had lots of relaxation time to prepare myself.  Instead of complaining about going into work (like my instincts urge me to), I can be thankful for the time I was able to spend enjoying some freedom and quality time with family and friends.

Lupus Or Something Like It

Since I want my blog to be as transparent as is appropriate for the Internet, I decided tonight I would discuss my health.  I have no desire to be a blogger complainer.  Blogging allows us to connect in ways that person-to-person can't.  It is sort of like letter writing in the old days, just for a more broad audience.  So writing about my health will be about the same thing.  Hoping others can learn something through my eyes, while I learn at the same time through introspection.

My first symptom of unknown origin started a year ago with headaches.  I had them for several months; no tests showed any cause.  Then for a while I was having chest tightness, and I blamed it on anxiety.  I'd always had cold hands and feet that would turn purple, even when everyone else seemed to be warm and comfortable.  My joints started bothering me to a greater degree gradually over the last year.  I'd had joint pains intermittently for years, but I blamed it on gymnastics in my elementary years.  Finally, in February, my pain became a life-altering issue.  That's what I initially went to see my doctor for.  The more we talked about it, the more the symptoms seemed to come together and seem less isolated and more possibly related.  He had me tested for some basic autoimmune disorders, which came back negative.  He explained that the tests were not definitive, and sometimes in early stages tests can come back negative but later become positive.  He referred me to a rheumatologist.

The rheumatologist sent me for more lab tests, which apparently some came back positive.  I don't know what they are yet, I'll find out this week hopefully.  So now I have been started on a medication that is used to treat Lupus (if you're really interested, read all about it on http://www.lupus.org/).  So we don't know yet if it's Lupus, but we're going to go ahead for now as if it is, and see if the medication helps any.  That could take a couple of months.

In the meantime, I want to complain all day.  But as the days pass and my symptoms do not lessen, I am more aware of the fact that I have two choices:  I can accept this without complaint or I can complain and make things worse emotionally. 

Acceptance is the only logical choice.  Oh, I'm sure I'll complain plenty, but it won't be my overall desire.  My overall desire is to understand that my life is in God's hands, and He has a bigger picture I cannot see.  That bigger picture I am assured is a good one.

Can I Do It?

http://www.futuregirl.com/craft_blog/2007/06/sock-and-glove-love.aspx

These are so cute!  I really want to make one, but sewing is not my favorite thing to do.  Aubrey made one, but she is very handy with the sewing machine. 

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Thankful Thursday

My friend from gradeschool, Kirsten, writes a neat blog every day and Thursday is "Thankful Thursday".  I'm stealing her idea, at least for this week.  

I'm thankful today for having more energy.  I haven't been feeling well lately, but last night I slept well and I'm feeling a little better today.  I've been taking up to two naps a day for the last couple weeks but today I didn't even seem to need one.  I've been dreading a few housework items that needed to get done and today I was able to knock one of them out...filing!  It seems so miniscule but I've been letting bills and paperwork pile up since before Kinsey was born, and today I filed everything.  Not only do I have more energy, but I also feel a little bit de-cluttered as a result!

4 Month Appointment

Weight:  16 lbs, 4 oz - 90th percentile
Height:  25 inches - 70th percentile
Head circumference:  42 cm - 70th percentile

She's following the normal curve so that is a good thing.  Our pracitioner said there was no rush to start solids if we didn't want to, so I'm going to wait at least another month.  She said Kinsey still has a little bit of tongue thrust when she was looking in her mouth so she might not quite be ready anyways.

Oh, and I got peed on at the appointment today.  I picked her up off the table while David was getting a diaper ready for me to lay her down.  That's when she peed all over me, the floor, and the exam table. 

I bought a booster seat on craigslist today for $10, very happy about that.  Craigslist is awesome!  I don't think I ever wrote about it but I also got an extra car seat base a while ago for $5, and the lady had the Fisher-Price Rainforest Jumperoo she didn't want anymore, so she gave it to me for free.  It retails new for about $80, and used on craigslist I have seen it as low as $40.  I have no idea why she didn't try to sell it, but I'm not complaining!

4 Months Old!

This has to be the easiest age!

Kinsey rolls over from her back to her stomach almost every time I lay her on the floor.  She doesn't roll from her stomach to her back much, but she has a few times.  She can also hold on to objects for a short period of time on purpose.  She is starting to grab at things and put them in her mouth much more now too.  Right now, she is sitting in her bouncy seat grabbing at the toys.  It is really neat to watch her grab onto something and then look at it with big eyes!

The only minor difficulty I encountered this past month was with napping.  She started taking to cat-napping instead of her full naps.  I think it was a combination of her going back and forth from the babysitter's house and home, as well as my lack of discipline in the "cry it out" area.  The last few days I finally decided she needed to re-learn how to get herself to sleep, and it has been fabulous.  By yesterday, it only took her about five minutes to fall asleep after I put her down for her morning and afternoon nap, and she napped for an hour and a half each time.  I actually woke her up to feed her.  I find it is much easier to feed her when I wake her rather than when she wakes up on her own and fusses.

Sleeping at night has been the same, between 9-11 hours.  The cool thing is she will wake up on her own in the morning and just roll from side to side in her crib, talking a little bit until I come in and get her.  She hasn't been fussy in the morning at all this month.

She is starting to grow out of the 0-3 month clothes and into the 3-6 month size. 

I got her to sit leaning forward a little bit the last few days.  Here is a picture:

 

On Monday she has her 4 month appointment, so we will see how she has grown and also discuss starting rice cereal.  I am not in a hurry for it, so I won't necessarily start yet.  We'll see.  She won't be able to get her shots for another week and a half because our 2 month appointment was a week and a half after she turned 2 months, and we can't have this next set any sooner than August 3rd.  But I wanted to go ahead and get her appointment on time to get an accurate percentile for weight.  For shots we go to the immunization clinic on base and they are walk in, so it's not like I have to make another doctor appointment just for shots.

On July 4th Kinsey got to see fireworks for the first time on base.  She wasn't bothered at all by the noise, and it seemed like she was a little bit interested.  David and I also got to go out for our first date night this month, while my friend watched her.  It was nice!  We went to Texas Roadhouse and then did a little bit of shopping.  We have also been busy with summer parties and get togethers.

On the adoption front, we had our final home visit from our caseworker this month.  She said we should be able to get a court date around September 20th to finalize the adoption, yay!  So exciting!  Also, this month I sent a bunch of pictures and a letter to the birth mother telling her all about Kinsey's developments.  We should be seeing her next month sometime.

Here is a link to the pictures from the last month!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2181455&id=71210563&l=ed043d1cf9

Fasting for Squirrels

I keep wanting to write this post but then worry about whether it will sound pretentious.  But, I'm going past those worries and going to do it, because I'm curious.

I want to fast.  Someone in our life group talked about how fasting helped him have better focus on God throughout his day.  This is something I need.  However, fasting from food doesn't seem like a wise decision with my health problems (yes, I'm sounding old now).

So what have you fasted from besides food?

Thunder!

If my dogs had been in the movie, Up, squirrels would do nothing for them.  But thunder, yes!  This middle of the night post has little to do with my insomnia and everything to do with my dogs being unable to stop whining because of the thunderstorm.  I am quite thankful I don't have to work tomorrow!  The picture, by the way, has nothing to do with their current dilemma, it was just a recent picture of the two of them with Kinsey, of course.  Currently, Kinsey is fast asleep in her crib with no apparent awareness of the thunderstorm.

I was having a dream that I had rearranged the furniture in the house and needed to get outside to the car.  For some reason David and I decided we needed to sleep out there because of the storm.  The furniture was in the way and I couldn't get past it, so I started screaming for my sister, but no sound would come out.  I woke myself up and realized it was a dream, heard the dogs whining, but went back to sleep anyways.  I dreamt about the same thing again.  The second time I woke up I heard the dogs whining again and decided it wouldn't stop unless they got some attention.  Now they are quiet while I sit with them.

I never ate the Subway sandwich my husband bought for me tonight, so I figured now is as good a time as any!

I suppose there is no point to this post, so I will leave you with some great words from a friend's devotion.  She posted it on facebook without a reference, but I thought it too worthy not to pass along despite the lack of reference.  I don't know if they are her own words, paraphrased from her devotion, or taken straight from her daily devotion.  But they are good, and really something for me to ponder:

Who am I trying to convince? (copied from Desteni's Facebook note, July 19, 2010)



Another great devotional from today...

Trying to prove how good we are, trying to prove we're good enough, trying to show someone how much he or she has hurt us, trying to show someone we're understanding, are warning signs that we may be into our self defeating behaviors.


They can be an indication that we are trying to control someone. They can be an indication that we do not believe how good we are, that we're good enough, that someone is hurting us.


They can be a warning that we've allowed ourselves to get hooked into a dysfunctional system. They may indicate that we're stuck in the cloudy fog of denial or doing something that is not good for us.


Trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves. Once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.


The issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously. The issue is not about others believing we're good and good enough. The issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are. The issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling. We are the ones that need to see the light.


Today, God, help me let go of my need to control outcomes by influencing the beliefs of others. I will concentrate on accepting myself, rather than trying to prove something about myself. If I catch myself in the codependent trap of trying to emphasize something about myself to another, I will ask myself if I need to convince myself at that point.

Squirrel!

Last night David and I went to church.  It was one of the most practical and inspiring sermons I have heard in a while.  I believe much of that has to do with my heart actually wanting to hear truth last night. 

The pastor showed a clip of the movie, Up.  If you haven't seen the movie, the cartoon dogs can talk but they get distracted and shout "Squirrel!".  I'm not sure whether they see a squirrel, smell one, or think about one, because I haven't seen the movie, but for now it is beside the point.  They stop everything they're doing, whether it is simply talking to one another or whether they are on some sort of mission.  Squirrels block everything out so they can't focus on what they were trying to accomplish.

Our pastor implied we get the same way.  Instead of focusing on God we get distracted and our attention gets caught by something else so much that we completely lose sight of our purpose.  I was so inspired last night and had more serious talks with God than I have had in a while.

However, I woke up this morning and apparently a squirrel was in my bedroom.  You see, last night I wrote an email in an attempt to reconcile/understand a troubling relationship from my past with a friend.  This morning I woke up dwelling on that relationship, being bitter about how it has caused me to feel, and completely lost sight of the desire I had last night to shift my thoughts and actions toward God.  Now I'm struggling to regain my focus and to remember than my significance and my security lies in God alone, not in how I am viewed by others, specifically right now this person.

I'm really looking forward to seeing this movie, even though I'm not a huge fan of cartoon movies yet (I know I will have to be in the near future).  I am curious about relating my life to these dogs who get distracted by squirrels!

Just a Cute Picture

"Maybe"

http://beingthatguy.vox.com/library/post/the-worst-word.html?_c=feed-atom

I like this post about the word "maybe".

Video of Kinsey Rolling Over

Friends is playing in the background, of course.

"I Remember When..."

At one of the satellite offices I work in, there is an OB/GYN doctor in the same office.  On Wednesday one of their patients brought it her newborn, who couldn't have been more than a week old.  He was fast asleep in his carseat, and he had a ton of dark hair.  I actually said to myself, "I remember when Kinsey was that little!"  Up until now, it felt like there were no babies newer than Kinsey.  That she was as new as they come.  Not anymore!

This past week Kinsey has taken to blowing raspberries instead of talking as much.  Here is a picture of her in the midst of it:

Today we are going to a 4th of July party, and I bought a cute outfit for Kinsey.  I haven't put it on her yet since she's been into a little spitting up phase.  I am looking forward to taking pictures though because my Aunt Lois makes beautiful quilts, and the first one she made for us was red, white, and blue.  It is going to make a perfect backdrop for pictures!  And oh, how I love pictures!

Speaking of pictures, I recently began a new hobby...scrapbooking!  I am having so much fun.  I went to a scrapbooking class a few weeks ago and was inspired.  I even bought the Cricut Expression machine to cut out letters and cute designs.  It was a gift to myself for going back to work ;)

David just had a birthday yesterday, and he bought himself a motorcycle.  I asked him what kind it was and he said, "If you're telling a girl what it is, tell them it's a Harley, but if you're telling a guy, tell them it's a Hog" (or is it Hawg?).  Anyways, here's a picture of his birthday/Christmas/anniversary (for the next several years) present.  I do think it is kinda pretty, I like the red, since it's my favorite color ;)

I'm a Workin' Woman!

I've had two days back to work now.  Kinsey was normal over the weekend.  I felt like I really cherished the time I had with her.  Being away from her really makes me want to love on her all that much more when I'm with her. 

Yesterday I worked and she went to the babysitter's house.  David picked her up after work and at home I played with her a little.  We shared smiles and play time.  She went her normal 3 1/2 hours until her feeding which was nice.  Then I put her to bed like normal, and she slept a full 11 hours!  So whatever the babysitter did that day, I'm all for it!  One thing I know I'm going to have to learn in being a working Mom is to be more flexible.  I have been very schedule driven which I think goes along well with my personality and makes the stress less.  But, since she's not going to be with me all the time, I know that I can't control everything.  I talked to the babysitter about my work schedule and we got to talking about how things are going, and she said she generally feeds based on cues.  So sometimes she will go 2 1/2 hours or 3 hours, instead of my normal 3 1/2.  That's different from my approach, but I know it's not a wrong approach.  Most mothers probably feed more like that anyways.  The only problem would be if it starts affecting Kinsey's mood or sleeping habits I would think, but I kinda doubt it.  And if that happened, I feel completely comfortable at this point talking to the babysitter about coming up with a solution. 

I also asked her if it was ok if I brought Kinsey over in the morning without having fed her yet.  The reason is because I hate to wake her up just to feed her so we can leave.  I would prefer she wake up a little more naturally.  Since she's sleeping so much longer now, that would require me putting her down around 7pm in order for her to get her full night's sleep.  I don't want to only have an hour and a half with her at night, so I'd still like to keep her up for a while.  Getting her up and into the carseat might end up waking her anyways, but at least it will be a little later so she can sleep a little longer.  The babysitter was totally fine with that.

I don't have a lot of days scheduled to work in July.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  On one hand, I'll love it, on the other hand, the extra money would be nice.  We'll see!!

First Day Back to Work

Today was my first official day back to work.  Fortunately, David dropped Kinsey off in the morning.  I'm sure that made it easier on me emotionally.  He also picked her up at the end of the day.

It was a nice, calm day at work.  My co-workers were great, and the doctors who were there today are so easy to work with.  The babysitter sent a picture text to her sister, (also my co-worker) so I got to see a couple cute pics from the day.  It made me excited and sad at the same time.

I wasn't feeling too upset about the whole thing during the day, and was a bit proud to know I would be bringing in a little extra money.  I'd rather have a feeling of being thankful; I think that would be better.  But pride it was.  "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 5:6

This isn't a post about pride, so I digress.

When I got home, I was excited to see Kinsey.  She was a little sleepy, so she didn't really give me any smiles.  That was disappointing.  She also got hungry too early based on my normal schedule, so that freaked me out for a little while.  I got teary.  It made me sad that I wasn't with her all day to keep her on my beloved schedule.  It also made me sad to think that it was someone else who got to spend the day with her, not me.  After an hour or so she finally sat in my lap and smiled at me for a few minutes.  Then I gave her a bath.  Those two things really helped me feel better and feel like I had quality time to connect with her.

What I am thankful for is that my first day back was a Friday, so I have two days off before I go in again.  It would be much harder to have to turn around and go back to work again.  Next week I work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I will have a day in between each work day.  Hopefully that will help.

13 Weeks and 3 Months!

Thirteen weeks came yesterday, and today she turned 3 months old!

I have little to report on changes.  She is still doing sooo great.  Sleeping between 9 and 11 hours at night, napping 3 times a day, and smiling up a storm!  I read that at this age babies' favorite thing to look at is faces, and it is very true for Kinsey.  She will smile and talk with sweet "ahhhh ooohhh" sounds and occasionally a squeal while sitting on our lap looking at us.

Today I had a short orientation for a nursing agency to do some on-call work either at some facilities or for home care.  I took Kinsey to the babysitter's house for the morning, and everything went fine!  I was a lot more anxious about it yesterday.  Today I was just tired in the morning so maybe I didn't have the energy to be anxious!  Tomorrow is my first full day back at my regular job.  It will be the first time she will be away from me all day.  The good thing is that David will be the one to drop her off so that should help me A LOT. 

I am so glad we have the babysitter we have, she's a co-worker's sister. She is just so sweet and loving and I know will be an awesome caregiver for my daughter.

I'm going to switch to doing monthly updates for Kinsey now that she has hit the 3 month mark, unless there is a new deveopment to report.

Here are the pictures from the month!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2178384&id=71210563&l=ba3b80d36a

Woe Is Me Rollercoaster

I've been on a "woe is me" rollercoaster. 

Woe was me when I was facing infertility. 

Woe wasn't me when we were first starting the adoption process; it was exciting. 

Woe was me when we "had" to wait so long. 

Woe wasn't me when we found out about Kinsey. 

Woe was me because I was having lots of joint pain and other weird things while we were waiting for Kinsey to be born. 

Woe wasn't me once Kinsey was here. 

Woe is me again because the pain is back, because I feel sometimes outcasted/rejected, because because because...

I have a lesson to apply here.  I have to remember that dwelling on my circumstances won't help.  It didn't make it any easier when I was in the midst of any of my woes in the past.  It's ridiculously easy to have a pity party for myself, though.  I've done it all my life.  Rather than accept, I complain, pout, make excuses, and complain some more. 

I want want want to get up in the morning and know that even if I'm having a hard day, there is joy to be had, and that  "...he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ."  Phil 1:6  There is always a bigger picture.  It's a good one, I am assured of that.  Joys always outweigh woes, at least that's how I think Jesus and Paul looked at it.

Week 12 - My Smiling and Sleeping Queen!

 Kinsey is really good at smiling!  It is even easy to distract her when she gets a tiny bit fussy by sitting her on my lap facing me, and smiling at her.  She'll smile back and even start babbling sometimes.

The best thing this week has been her sleep.  I was reading Baby Wise some more, which is what I have tried to use as a guideline since the beginning.  Before this week she had been sleeping between 6 and 7 hours.  When she woke up I would feed her and put her back to bed to sleep another 4 hours.  I read that she could, in theory, be capable of sleeping up to 11 hours at night, and that when she wakes up she is not necessarily hungry.  She may just need to burn off some energy or she may have woken up without knowing really how to get back to sleep on her own.  So the first couple nights when she woke up around 4 or so, I rocked her back to sleep.  Then for a couple nights I just patted her while she was in her crib, and let her cry it out a little.  Then the last several nights I have not even gone in to her room when I hear her, I just let her be.  She goes back to sleep within 10 minutes max, and she is sleeping about 9 1/2 hours.  It's not even really crying that she does, it's more just like a little bit of loud talking mixed with some fussing.  She still naps 3 times a day, so things are very blissful right now!

She is also putting her hands to her mouth a bunch.  She seems to do this when she's tired and hungry.  She doesn't like a pacifier, so I'm assuming she's going to suck her thumb eventually.  Not grabbing at anything yet on purpose, but she can hold on to small objects like the connecting rings if I put them in her hands.

Week 11 - Visit from Grandpa!

Grandpa came to visit Friday-Tuesday.  It was a great visit!  Kinsey smiled a lot for him.  We went to my cousin's softball game on Saturday morning.  He helped us fix our creaky bedroom door on Sunday, and on Monday we went to my cousin's and spent the day there.  I absolutely love living in the same city with family.  I had my grandparents around when I was growing up, and I certainly took it for granted then.  Now I really cherish the time we get to spend with family, and living in the same place is awesome.

Yesterday Kinsey did a fabulous job of napping.  Then, I decided to try to have her sleep at night without swaddling her.  She has gone down without any problems during the day for her naps without swaddling her, so I decided I might as well try it.  My friend Danielle told me a while back to go ahead and try something if you want, because if you botch it up, you'll only do it once!  Anyways, Kinsey slept 7 hours straight so I'm thinking that's a great sign. 

Here is my napping queen yesterday:

Week 10 - Roll Over and Nursery Time

Kinsey does not like tummy time, and I probably only give her 5 or 10 minutes a day of it, rather than the 20 minutes the nurses in the hospital told me to give her.  I'm pretty sure it won't affect the rest of her life though ;)  She is starting to be able to lift her head up and even her chest while she is on her stomach, so we finally saw some progress!  Also, one time earlier in the week I put her on her tummy with one arm crossed under her, and she flipped herself onto her back!  So of course I did that a few more times for my own entertainment.  Plus, she can get her legs tucked under her with her butt in the air, so cute.  She is starting to turn on her side almost every time I put her under her play gym mat.

On Sunday evening we put her in the nursery for church!  I was completely nervous the whole time that she would get fussy for the workers and give them a hard time.  Although probably a normal feeling, it was somewhat irrational because she is rarely very fussy anymore.  When we went to pick her up after the service, the lady in charge was holding her and one of the middle school girls was talking to her, it was cute.  They said she got a little fussy in the beginning so they took her out of her car seat and changed her diaper.  I'm guessing it was because she was getting tired of being in her car seat; she doesn't like to stay in there very long unless she's sleeping or moving in the car.  So all in all, a success and I will feel more confident next time. 

I am a day late posting, so I will go ahead and report on her 2 month well baby check, which was today.  13 pounds 13 ounces put her in the 90th percentile.  She is 23 inches and head circumference is 40 cm, those I think are 75th percentile.  She also had three shots, and cried for a few seconds and then was fine.  However, a few hours later she was very fussy and inconsolable for a short amount of time.  I was watching my cousin's son at the time and my cousin was on her way home, so I asked her to pick up some infant tylenol.  She did, but of course when she got home I was able to get her back asleep.  I could have just waited to get it after my cousin came home, but I suppose first time Mom with first time shots gives me a pass to mini-freak out once, right?  I gave her the medicine and she has been better the rest of the day, slightly more fussy than normal but only noticeable by me I'm sure.

I'm planning an upcoming post about how often I "feel bad" about so many things.  I have more to ponder on this before I post, though.

Here are a couple pictures from the week...

This one is so cute because it was before we went swimming, so I imagine her to be saying, "Can we get on with the swimming and stop all this picture taking puhleeease?"

Here is a good Daddy in uniform with daughter picture:

Woe Is Not Me--Reflections on Infertility After Adoption

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I was very anxious to "get it right".  I wanted to get pregnant; I wanted my body to do the right things so we could conceive a baby.  Month after month went by without the desired result.  Doctor appointment after doctor appointment without definitive answers "why".  Medications, procedures, and even surgery, that produced no real new answers.  Medically, it remains a big question mark.  I could switch doctors and get some second opinions, and probably find some answers.  I didn't have a lot of confidence in my reproductive endocrinologist in his willingness to find the problem.  It seemed more like the goal was to get me pregnant by whatever means it took rather than to really pinpoint the problem.  I'm not bitter about that, though.  Actually I'm kind of grateful.  I'm fine only having some vague understanding. 

The only answer that matters is currently napping in her crib. 

Could I see the bigger picture when I was frantic and feeling hurt for not getting what I wanted?  Sometimes.  There are some blog posts I can look back and read about how I was grateful for not getting pregnant, because I knew adoption would bring us the baby we longed for.  Not only that, but we would get the priveledge to love and raise one of God's children who needed a home. 

Sometimes I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I also wrote blog posts that talked about how difficult it was to be around moms and babies.  How sad I was to be working, which is my least favorite past time, when other friends got to stay at home with their little ones.  What I can see looking back is that God's strength was available to me not to be bitter, but to find joy in my journey.  I could have had the capacity to continue my relationships as normal with the friends I was jealous of, sharing my life and struggles with them.  I only know that now after having "resolved" my infertility through adoption.  I don't necessarily wish I knew this then because what I learned has given me strength for the next journey.

I'm sure people wonder if I still wish I could get pregnant.  The answer is no.  I have no desires at this point to get pregnant.  As I've said before, being pregnant is the means to becoming parents, not the goal.  The only wonder I ever have is what a conceived child would look like.  I don't know if I will ever stop wondering that.  It is not a wonder that makes me want to conceive just so I will have that answer.  When I look at Kinsey, all I see is immense beauty.  She is a gorgeous little girl...and our gorgeous little girl at that!

What I am excited about is what I learned about patience, God's grace, and perseverence.  It was hard in the middle of it, but I'm grateful for the experience.  I will no doubt have more hard times in who knows what areas of my life to come, but I hope to look back on the days of questioning "why", and remember how completely God has fulfilled my dream.