Saturday, August 22, 2009

Big Bug

Anyone know what kind of bug this is? I was up early cleaning the pool and trimming the roses. I didn't get very far with the roses, however, because of this little bugger. I enjoyed taking pictures of it but I wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of trimming the roses more after coming across him!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Things I Don't Like To Admit

This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don't want to admit. First, that I am jealous. I've never "considered" myself to be a very jealous person, but I'm pretty sure that I am. I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister. I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could. I think that's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted. I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others. Then, I wouldn't ever have to feel jealous. So for a long time I haven't felt much jealousy. Now, however, this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me. I'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don't get to have a baby when I want one. I'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child. I'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test.

When I isolate David and me in my mind, I am happy with the way things are. I'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him/her so much that I won't have words for it. In the meantime I'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while. I even kind of feel special that I haven't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby. But when I start comparing David and me to our friends, the jealousy is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend's new pregnancy.

Next thing I don't like to admit: I'm angry at God. I've never felt angry with God before. I don't even remember feeling frustrated at him. I've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good. That even if I can't understand the reason for something, God has a perfect purpose in it. But just yesterday I realized I'm a little angry with God about not having a child yet. I'm not a lot angry, just a little. I don't want to admit that, because I know my anger is unjustified. I know when we have a baby, that I will look back and understand the reason for the wait. It's just hard to see that now. It's hard that none of my friends can empathize with me. And it's funny, I'm mad at God yet he is the only one who can understand.

A while back I wrote in a blog that not all lessons are hard lessons. Sometimes God makes our lessons easy. Sometimes he doesn't. This one is not so easy. God is not calming my storm this time, he is trying to calm me.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

While We're Waiting

I haven't asked David how he feels, but I'm starting to get tired of the question, "What's new with the adoption?" I have a feeling it's a bit like when you're unemployed and looking for a job, and everyday someone asks, "What's new with the job search?" I know people are just curious and hoping to hear some good news, but unfortunately I don't have any. It's nothing I fault anyone for asking either; I'm just as curious with people who are out of jobs, say, to find out if anything new has come along.

It's only been 4 months but it sure feels like a lot longer. I think it feels so much longer because the not getting pregnant thing has been going on for over 2 years now. Usually every day I ache for a baby, but also at some point during my day I am content in the moment with the way things are. David and I were talking last night about how we can't let getting a baby become our idol. If we could think about God and be thankful for His blessings as much as we covet a baby, I am sure we would find ourselves more patient.