This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don't want to admit. First, that I am jealous. I've never "considered" myself to be a very jealous person, but I'm pretty sure that I am. I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister. I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could. I think that's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted. I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others. Then, I wouldn't ever have to feel jealous. So for a long time I haven't felt much jealousy. Now, however, this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me. I'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don't get to have a baby when I want one. I'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child. I'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test.
When I isolate David and me in my mind, I am happy with the way things are. I'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him/her so much that I won't have words for it. In the meantime I'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while. I even kind of feel special that I haven't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby. But when I start comparing David and me to our friends, the jealousy is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend's new pregnancy.
Next thing I don't like to admit: I'm angry at God. I've never felt angry with God before. I don't even remember feeling frustrated at him. I've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good. That even if I can't understand the reason for something, God has a perfect purpose in it. But just yesterday I realized I'm a little angry with God about not having a child yet. I'm not a lot angry, just a little. I don't want to admit that, because I know my anger is unjustified. I know when we have a baby, that I will look back and understand the reason for the wait. It's just hard to see that now. It's hard that none of my friends can empathize with me. And it's funny, I'm mad at God yet he is the only one who can understand.
A while back I wrote in a blog that not all lessons are hard lessons. Sometimes God makes our lessons easy. Sometimes he doesn't. This one is not so easy. God is not calming my storm this time, he is trying to calm me.