Thursday, August 20, 2009

Things I Don't Like To Admit

This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don't want to admit. First, that I am jealous. I've never "considered" myself to be a very jealous person, but I'm pretty sure that I am. I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister. I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could. I think that's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted. I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others. Then, I wouldn't ever have to feel jealous. So for a long time I haven't felt much jealousy. Now, however, this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me. I'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don't get to have a baby when I want one. I'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child. I'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test.

When I isolate David and me in my mind, I am happy with the way things are. I'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him/her so much that I won't have words for it. In the meantime I'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while. I even kind of feel special that I haven't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby. But when I start comparing David and me to our friends, the jealousy is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend's new pregnancy.

Next thing I don't like to admit: I'm angry at God. I've never felt angry with God before. I don't even remember feeling frustrated at him. I've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good. That even if I can't understand the reason for something, God has a perfect purpose in it. But just yesterday I realized I'm a little angry with God about not having a child yet. I'm not a lot angry, just a little. I don't want to admit that, because I know my anger is unjustified. I know when we have a baby, that I will look back and understand the reason for the wait. It's just hard to see that now. It's hard that none of my friends can empathize with me. And it's funny, I'm mad at God yet he is the only one who can understand.

A while back I wrote in a blog that not all lessons are hard lessons. Sometimes God makes our lessons easy. Sometimes he doesn't. This one is not so easy. God is not calming my storm this time, he is trying to calm me.


cara said...

Love ya Sarah! and I love that you are willing to be vulnerable by sharing this on your blog, I don't know if I could do that. You know I'm always praying for you. Now the hard part, what do you do with this?

Sarah said...

Excellent question, Cara! I'll make that my next blog, how about that?

Leatrice said...

I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do sorta know how you feel, at least in part. I think it's interesting that before reading this I was just sitting here thinking 'oh, wouldn't it be so nice to think, I'd like to have a kid now and poof get pregnant'? My gosh, life would be so different. This lesson is a hard one and I'm sorry you have to go through the pain of it.

Aubrey said...

I definitely know just how you feel. I get mad when people make a big announcement that they are "trying" and then get pregnant 3 months later. It upsets me when people get pregnant with their second baby when I haven't even had my first.

I am sometimes tempted to think that my life is horrible because of this infertility thing. Of course, when I stop and think about it, I realize how ridiculous that is: I love my husband, I have a great job, a wonderful, supportive family, a lovely home, good friends, and really more blessings that I can even count.

I was reading something recently that talked about how easy it is to fall into sin during struggles with infertility. I definitely agree. The desire for a child is a good one, but especially with infertility it is easy for that desire to become an idol, as if the best and most important thing in life is having a child. Of course, it's not. The most important part of our lives is bringing glory to God. I often pray for God to change my heart - I didn't want to be angry with him. To comfort me when I am sad, and also to give me a child. God keeps working in us, and our struggles are working for our good.

One scripture I have found helpful:
Romans 8:32 "he who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not, along with him graciously give us all things?" Of course, children are not guaranteed, but just knowing that we have already been given God's son, the best thing of all, we can be assured that he will give us all the other smaller things, though it may not look exactly as we'd hoped.

Anyway...that was probably the longest comment I've ever left. I guess I'll quit rambling. Just know you aren't alone.