Our Adoption Story

We found out this week there is a possibility our assignment will be cancelled. Basically, the job requires the person to be able to stay there 3 years, and David plans on retiring in 2 1/2 years from now. He had to write a letter explaining this and sent it to personnel. We will see in another few weeks if they cancel the assignment or not. Hopefully!!! I am planning as though we will end up going so that I don't find myself running out of time getting the house ready to rent if that happens. And of course, still waiting on a baby could change things too.

We have been reading 1Timothy in our small group on Tuesday nights. The last chapter has a couple verses that are so important for me to grasp right now. In 6:6 it says, "Godliness with contentment is great gain." I can't imagine someone being Godly but not content, so I think they go hand in hand. Then in 6:8 it says, "But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." When it comes to money and things, all I need to live is to have food to eat and clothes to wear. Everything else is just bonus. It doesn't matter where I live, I can have contentment anywhere God sends me.

Also, on Sunday our discussion group in church was talking a little bit about whether we live as though we are owed certain things in life. One of the girls brought up that she had, over the last few years, come to realize that her idea of the perfect life was not God's idea of her perfect life. She has been in the process of learning just what her life is about now that she understands that what she thought her life was supposed to be like wasn't. She said she's discovered new things that she never realized she was passionate about. I thought that was very thought provoking and encouraging. It made me think about how I have been envisioning my perfect life.

So my perfect life consists of living in Tucson, keeping our friends and growing with them and making new friends, having children, staying at home with them for a while, David retiring in a couple of years and becoming a cop, watching our kids grow and learn, helping them discover life and giving them new experiences, finding a job as a nurse that I feel I can make a significant contribution, and keep going on my life in this kind of pattern. I think that while all of those things are great and things we can work toward, none of them are guaranteed. I live in the future way more than I ever live in the present. Instead of looking forward so much, I want to see where I am right now and just live in that.

I can say that this week it has been a little bit easier to live in the present now that I am working part time. I really, really enjoyed my days off this week. I had two days off, and the time is much appreciated since I haven't had much free time in the recent past. I feel a little more like I'm thriving instead of just surviving.

The adoption news, that is. Last week we asked our case worker what number in line we were in the waiting families book, and how many times we've been shown. Currently, we're number 5. As I've explained in previous posts, being number 5 doesn't mean the 5th baby that comes along will be ours. It just means that there are four couples who have been waiting longer than we have. I was a little bit surprised that we weren't further along, but then again the number "5" is kind of arbitrary since adoptions don't go in order. When a baby comes along, it doesn't matter how long the couple has been waiting if preferences don't match.

She also let us know that we've been considered 4 times since April. Ouch!!! That was hard to hear at first, because I felt completely rejected. I'm over that feeling now. And you could still tell me a million times that when the baby God has for us comes along, it will all make sense. Well that's all fine and good and I know it's true but I'm not one to keep trying to convince myself of something that is too difficult to grasp until it happens. I feel good about things right now though, so no need to worry about me today. I actually feel as though I've been given this time to learn how to appreciate and take advantage of the time I have.

I've had a hard time with the job transition lately. It seems slightly impossible to be able to enjoy this time of waiting when 36 hours a week is spent doing something I'm not passionate about with people that are difficult to be around. I don't want to leave my job, but frankly I'm not excited about having to spend the majority of this time I've been given in a place that zaps me off all the energy I have for the time I don't work. So my short term solution is to work only 32 hours instead of 36. That means I'll get one day off a week instead of just a half day. It will give me something more to look forward to. I used to take a full day off every other week and it was great. Only having a half day is not really good because I just come home from work exhausted and can't really take advantage of the time off because I just want to sleep the whole time. This is kind of a mundane detail of my life to be blogging about, but putting it on paper gives me relief!

Last night I was awake until 2 am. I had a horrible time trying to fall asleep because my mind was going non-stop about how unhappy I was with my job--I think the work itself is fine but working with other people is so difficult. Other things were on my mind also, but work was the most consuming.

I kept trying to pray, but my mind kept wandering. I was discouraged because I so far haven't been able to successfully change my attitude at work. I've tried and tried to go in with the attitude that no matter how people treat me, I can let it go in one ear and out the other because their opinion doesn't really matter. Because God is the God of comfort and the Lord of compassion. Because God is where my hope is. Because God is able to give me the perfect love I crave. Because, because, because... This has been going on for about 6 weeks. I was actually at the point yesterday of really considering quitting and taking another part time job offer I have on the table and trying to find another part time job.

Finally, I just said something like, "God, the only way it seems possible for me to continue is with a divine change of attitude. I would like to be able to say I'm strong enough to do this based on the knowledge I have of You and Your Word, but I'm failing. I need a miracle." I then wrote three pages of prayer because I was having such a difficult time praying without getting sidetracked thinking about work and getting angry about something someone has said or done. Writing everything down helped me stay on track.

I think I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I remember seeing 1:30 am so that's why I'm assuming it was 2. I woke up this morning super tired. You know that point when you're really so tired that you actually feel giddy? That's what I felt like. I was actually, dare I say, feeling "happy" and not grumpy like normal at work. I assumed it was just because I was so tired. But the day wore on and I was amazed at how differently I felt. I surely didn't have the expectation of answered prayer last night. My request was out of desperation. But I am confident it was answered prayer. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning and carrying around the anger and grumpiness that was so familiar just yesterday.

Like I said earlier, there were other things on my mind. One had to do with some information we received from our adoption agency this week. No baby on the way, but I'll keep you in suspense and write about what we learned in my next post...

Anyone know what kind of bug this is? I was up early cleaning the pool and trimming the roses. I didn't get very far with the roses, however, because of this little bugger. I enjoyed taking pictures of it but I wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of trimming the roses more after coming across him!

This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don't want to admit. First, that I am jealous. I've never "considered" myself to be a very jealous person, but I'm pretty sure that I am. I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister. I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could. I think that's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted. I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others. Then, I wouldn't ever have to feel jealous. So for a long time I haven't felt much jealousy. Now, however, this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me. I'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don't get to have a baby when I want one. I'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child. I'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test.

When I isolate David and me in my mind, I am happy with the way things are. I'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him/her so much that I won't have words for it. In the meantime I'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while. I even kind of feel special that I haven't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby. But when I start comparing David and me to our friends, the jealousy is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend's new pregnancy.

Next thing I don't like to admit: I'm angry at God. I've never felt angry with God before. I don't even remember feeling frustrated at him. I've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good. That even if I can't understand the reason for something, God has a perfect purpose in it. But just yesterday I realized I'm a little angry with God about not having a child yet. I'm not a lot angry, just a little. I don't want to admit that, because I know my anger is unjustified. I know when we have a baby, that I will look back and understand the reason for the wait. It's just hard to see that now. It's hard that none of my friends can empathize with me. And it's funny, I'm mad at God yet he is the only one who can understand.

A while back I wrote in a blog that not all lessons are hard lessons. Sometimes God makes our lessons easy. Sometimes he doesn't. This one is not so easy. God is not calming my storm this time, he is trying to calm me.

I haven't asked David how he feels, but I'm starting to get tired of the question, "What's new with the adoption?" I have a feeling it's a bit like when you're unemployed and looking for a job, and everyday someone asks, "What's new with the job search?" I know people are just curious and hoping to hear some good news, but unfortunately I don't have any. It's nothing I fault anyone for asking either; I'm just as curious with people who are out of jobs, say, to find out if anything new has come along.

It's only been 4 months but it sure feels like a lot longer. I think it feels so much longer because the not getting pregnant thing has been going on for over 2 years now. Usually every day I ache for a baby, but also at some point during my day I am content in the moment with the way things are. David and I were talking last night about how we can't let getting a baby become our idol. If we could think about God and be thankful for His blessings as much as we covet a baby, I am sure we would find ourselves more patient.