Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I Promise It's Not That Exciting

The adoption news, that is. Last week we asked our case worker what number in line we were in the waiting families book, and how many times we've been shown. Currently, we're number 5. As I've explained in previous posts, being number 5 doesn't mean the 5th baby that comes along will be ours. It just means that there are four couples who have been waiting longer than we have. I was a little bit surprised that we weren't further along, but then again the number "5" is kind of arbitrary since adoptions don't go in order. When a baby comes along, it doesn't matter how long the couple has been waiting if preferences don't match.

She also let us know that we've been considered 4 times since April. Ouch!!! That was hard to hear at first, because I felt completely rejected. I'm over that feeling now. And you could still tell me a million times that when the baby God has for us comes along, it will all make sense. Well that's all fine and good and I know it's true but I'm not one to keep trying to convince myself of something that is too difficult to grasp until it happens. I feel good about things right now though, so no need to worry about me today. I actually feel as though I've been given this time to learn how to appreciate and take advantage of the time I have.

I've had a hard time with the job transition lately. It seems slightly impossible to be able to enjoy this time of waiting when 36 hours a week is spent doing something I'm not passionate about with people that are difficult to be around. I don't want to leave my job, but frankly I'm not excited about having to spend the majority of this time I've been given in a place that zaps me off all the energy I have for the time I don't work. So my short term solution is to work only 32 hours instead of 36. That means I'll get one day off a week instead of just a half day. It will give me something more to look forward to. I used to take a full day off every other week and it was great. Only having a half day is not really good because I just come home from work exhausted and can't really take advantage of the time off because I just want to sleep the whole time. This is kind of a mundane detail of my life to be blogging about, but putting it on paper gives me relief!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A Divine Change of Attitude

Last night I was awake until 2 am. I had a horrible time trying to fall asleep because my mind was going non-stop about how unhappy I was with my job--I think the work itself is fine but working with other people is so difficult. Other things were on my mind also, but work was the most consuming.

I kept trying to pray, but my mind kept wandering. I was discouraged because I so far haven't been able to successfully change my attitude at work. I've tried and tried to go in with the attitude that no matter how people treat me, I can let it go in one ear and out the other because their opinion doesn't really matter. Because God is the God of comfort and the Lord of compassion. Because God is where my hope is. Because God is able to give me the perfect love I crave. Because, because, because... This has been going on for about 6 weeks. I was actually at the point yesterday of really considering quitting and taking another part time job offer I have on the table and trying to find another part time job.

Finally, I just said something like, "God, the only way it seems possible for me to continue is with a divine change of attitude. I would like to be able to say I'm strong enough to do this based on the knowledge I have of You and Your Word, but I'm failing. I need a miracle." I then wrote three pages of prayer because I was having such a difficult time praying without getting sidetracked thinking about work and getting angry about something someone has said or done. Writing everything down helped me stay on track.

I think I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I remember seeing 1:30 am so that's why I'm assuming it was 2. I woke up this morning super tired. You know that point when you're really so tired that you actually feel giddy? That's what I felt like. I was actually, dare I say, feeling "happy" and not grumpy like normal at work. I assumed it was just because I was so tired. But the day wore on and I was amazed at how differently I felt. I surely didn't have the expectation of answered prayer last night. My request was out of desperation. But I am confident it was answered prayer. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning and carrying around the anger and grumpiness that was so familiar just yesterday.

Like I said earlier, there were other things on my mind. One had to do with some information we received from our adoption agency this week. No baby on the way, but I'll keep you in suspense and write about what we learned in my next post...