Last night I was awake until 2 am. I had a horrible time trying to fall asleep because my mind was going non-stop about how unhappy I was with my job--I think the work itself is fine but working with other people is so difficult. Other things were on my mind also, but work was the most consuming.
I kept trying to pray, but my mind kept wandering. I was discouraged because I so far haven't been able to successfully change my attitude at work. I've tried and tried to go in with the attitude that no matter how people treat me, I can let it go in one ear and out the other because their opinion doesn't really matter. Because God is the God of comfort and the Lord of compassion. Because God is where my hope is. Because God is able to give me the perfect love I crave. Because, because, because... This has been going on for about 6 weeks. I was actually at the point yesterday of really considering quitting and taking another part time job offer I have on the table and trying to find another part time job.
Finally, I just said something like, "God, the only way it seems possible for me to continue is with a divine change of attitude. I would like to be able to say I'm strong enough to do this based on the knowledge I have of You and Your Word, but I'm failing. I need a miracle." I then wrote three pages of prayer because I was having such a difficult time praying without getting sidetracked thinking about work and getting angry about something someone has said or done. Writing everything down helped me stay on track.
I think I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I remember seeing 1:30 am so that's why I'm assuming it was 2. I woke up this morning super tired. You know that point when you're really so tired that you actually feel giddy? That's what I felt like. I was actually, dare I say, feeling "happy" and not grumpy like normal at work. I assumed it was just because I was so tired. But the day wore on and I was amazed at how differently I felt. I surely didn't have the expectation of answered prayer last night. My request was out of desperation. But I am confident it was answered prayer. I can't imagine waking up tomorrow morning and carrying around the anger and grumpiness that was so familiar just yesterday.
Like I said earlier, there were other things on my mind. One had to do with some information we received from our adoption agency this week. No baby on the way, but I'll keep you in suspense and write about what we learned in my next post...