Thursday, May 27, 2010

Woe Is Not Me--Reflections on Infertility After Adoption

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I was very anxious to "get it right".  I wanted to get pregnant; I wanted my body to do the right things so we could conceive a baby.  Month after month went by without the desired result.  Doctor appointment after doctor appointment without definitive answers "why".  Medications, procedures, and even surgery, that produced no real new answers.  Medically, it remains a big question mark.  I could switch doctors and get some second opinions, and probably find some answers.  I didn't have a lot of confidence in my reproductive endocrinologist in his willingness to find the problem.  It seemed more like the goal was to get me pregnant by whatever means it took rather than to really pinpoint the problem.  I'm not bitter about that, though.  Actually I'm kind of grateful.  I'm fine only having some vague understanding. 

The only answer that matters is currently napping in her crib. 

Could I see the bigger picture when I was frantic and feeling hurt for not getting what I wanted?  Sometimes.  There are some blog posts I can look back and read about how I was grateful for not getting pregnant, because I knew adoption would bring us the baby we longed for.  Not only that, but we would get the priveledge to love and raise one of God's children who needed a home. 

Sometimes I couldn't see the bigger picture.  I also wrote blog posts that talked about how difficult it was to be around moms and babies.  How sad I was to be working, which is my least favorite past time, when other friends got to stay at home with their little ones.  What I can see looking back is that God's strength was available to me not to be bitter, but to find joy in my journey.  I could have had the capacity to continue my relationships as normal with the friends I was jealous of, sharing my life and struggles with them.  I only know that now after having "resolved" my infertility through adoption.  I don't necessarily wish I knew this then because what I learned has given me strength for the next journey.

I'm sure people wonder if I still wish I could get pregnant.  The answer is no.  I have no desires at this point to get pregnant.  As I've said before, being pregnant is the means to becoming parents, not the goal.  The only wonder I ever have is what a conceived child would look like.  I don't know if I will ever stop wondering that.  It is not a wonder that makes me want to conceive just so I will have that answer.  When I look at Kinsey, all I see is immense beauty.  She is a gorgeous little girl...and our gorgeous little girl at that!

What I am excited about is what I learned about patience, God's grace, and perseverence.  It was hard in the middle of it, but I'm grateful for the experience.  I will no doubt have more hard times in who knows what areas of my life to come, but I hope to look back on the days of questioning "why", and remember how completely God has fulfilled my dream.


Desteni said...

Well said. Made me tear :) God is so so so faithful.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful story of hope, Sarah! That God is good and He walks us through the pain and our roots go so deep if we let them....you are a beautiful mom!!

Liz Brown

cara said...

Thanks for sharing that Sarah. I'm sure most people can relate to the things you've learned although their specific journey to learn those things was different. God is good!

Aubrey said...

what a great post!! and so true. i realize now that i wouldn't change anything about the last few years - except maybe my occasional inability to trust God through it all. but i learned so much. God really knows better than me....

Sarah said...

Thanks Desteni and Liz! And Cara, I agree. I think though that God has some of the same lessons, some different ones, for all of us. And I don't know that it's always about relating to one another, but more importantly just focusing on God's hand in your own situation, and then putting lessons learned into practice. And Aubrey, I was thinking after I wrote this about how in a way I do regret not trusting more, and making excuses for not hanging out with my mom friends, etc. But that's the lesson I had to learn. I wish it hadn't been the way it had, but I'm so grateful to have learned there was a better way.