I've been feeling "twinges" lately. That's the best word for the way I've been feeling when I hear about new pregnancies of friends or acquaintances. Yesterday a friend announced her pregnancy at MOPS and today a patient at work told us she just found out she was pregnant. I get a "twinge" in my body when that kind of thing happens. It's sort of a stop-me-in-my-tracks sort of thing, along with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It just started; I haven't had this feeling since before we got Kinsey, I think. It's a feeling of sadness and jealousy. I would like another child at some point, and facing another adoption process is definitely not going to be easy. It will be worth it, no doubt. But certainly I would love to be able to get pregnant for the experience of it. In the end, it won't matter. Once the baby is here, it's no different to me whether I carried the baby or not, she is my LOVE and JOY.
So it seems that this feeling comes when I start thinking about having another baby. The last 8 months I haven't wanted to entertain any thoughts of having another one, so pregnancies have not bothered me at all. But now things are changing, mostly because Kinsey is into playing and I think about how much I would love to have a sibling for her to play with, and hopefully grow a bond with. Unless we go with a different agency, then we will have to wait another 10 months before we can get on the waiting list again. There's a possiblity we would want to adopt an older child. In that case, we would be waiting much longer because we would think it be best for Kinsey to remain the oldest.
So I'm having mixed emotions. Sadness about pregnancy but also excitement to think about the possibility of another child at some point, God willing. We certainly have some things to work through first; namely David getting a job! But I'm still confident God's hand is in all of this.