Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I've been feeling "twinges" lately.  That's the best word for the way I've been feeling when I hear about new pregnancies of friends or acquaintances.  Yesterday a friend announced her pregnancy at MOPS and today a patient at work told us she just found out she was pregnant.  I get a "twinge" in my body when that kind of thing happens.  It's sort of a stop-me-in-my-tracks sort of thing, along with a sinking feeling in my stomach.  It just started; I haven't had this feeling since before we got Kinsey, I think.  It's a feeling of sadness and jealousy.  I would like another child at some point, and facing another adoption process is definitely not going to be easy.  It will be worth it, no doubt.  But certainly I would love to be able to get pregnant for the experience of it.  In the end, it won't matter.  Once the baby is here, it's no different to me whether I carried the baby or not, she is my LOVE and JOY. 

So it seems that this feeling comes when I start thinking about having another baby.  The last 8 months I haven't wanted to entertain any thoughts of having another one, so pregnancies have not bothered me at all.  But now things are changing, mostly because Kinsey is into playing and I think about how much I would love to have a sibling for her to play with, and hopefully grow a bond with.  Unless we go with a different agency, then we will have to wait another 10 months before we can get on the waiting list again.  There's a possiblity we would want to adopt an older child.  In that case, we would be waiting much longer because we would think it be best for Kinsey to remain the oldest.

So I'm having mixed emotions.  Sadness about pregnancy but also excitement to think about the possibility of another child at some point, God willing.  We certainly have some things to work through first; namely David getting a job!  But I'm still confident God's hand is in all of this.


cara said...

Praying you are given wisdom, guidance, and peace during all of this.

Aubrey said...

Gosh - I know what you mean. Honestly, since we had such a hard time getting pregnant with Judah, we opted to avoid any kind of birth control after he was born. There are always either pregnant people or new babies at our program, so it's never very far from my mind. And recently I've had people ask me more often when we want to have another. Lots of friends are talking about trying to get pregnant or getting pregnant after trying for 1 or 2 months.

If only it were that easy for us. who knows if we'll get pregnant again. As much as I'd love to think that next time around it will be easier, we have no idea.

I try not to think about it, because I don't want to stress about it and we're in no rush. But I also get some twinges when people have such an easy time getting pregnant.

You know what else is kind of sad? I also get jealous when people have an easy labor or childbirth. I should be so happy that we actually had Judah, (and I am), but part of me still wishes his delivery had been different.

I guess it's a good reminder of how much I need Jesus. Thankfully, he's still changing all those bits of me. Sorry for such a long comment, but it's also been on my mind recently.