Sunday, November 15, 2009

Big Step

I went to a birthday party for a one year old girl today. That is a pretty big step for me. I initially planned on not going but have been mulling it over for a while. I figured I'd see how I felt today before committing to anything. I felt fine while I was there; I had no jealousy even despite the abundance of kids, pregnant friends, and moms. When we got home I felt a little jealous though. Right now, I feel a little bit empty. I'm proud of myself for going, and I have another few months before the next friend's baby turns one so hopefully I'll be even better by the next party. I'm not up for baby showers though yet. Baby steps, if you don't mind the pun.

There's this tension going on in my head and my heart between feeling the ache of not being able to bear my own children and knowing that where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. I'm satisfied and yet discouraged all at the same time. Our profile has been shown now 5 times I think in the last seven months, and obviously we haven't been chosen yet. Again there is tension in me between wondering what is wrong with our profile that we haven't been picked and knowing that God is choosing each of the parents specifically for the child, and that He has already chosen ours (or has He? I despise the predestination/free will argument). Anyways, I'm again satisfied and discouraged all at the same time.


Aubrey said...

praying for you. I definitely understand the tension of knowing you are where God wants you, but still having desires to be in a different place. I do pray that God will be an encouragement for you this week.

cara said...

I'm proud of you for taking that step. And I'm glad you came! ;)

Leatrice said...

I agree with both of the above comments. I was really pleasantly surprised to see you guys there and that garlic sauce was the funniest thing! Thanks for being such a good friend :)

Kacy said...

Glad you felt good at the party today, Sarah. I think I can safely speak for other YMers along with myself when I say we love having you at such events b/c you guys are a part of our lives and our kids' lives.

I think the concept of tension that you talk about is a very important one for all of us, whether the topic is children or anything else in our lives. That struggle between being satisfied and not satisfied is a difficult place that brings us to the question of trusting God and finding joy through EVERY circumstance and emotion.

I don't know if anything I just wrote makes sense - it's late :)

Katie Sue said...

I can relate to the emptiness. I pray that God fills you in a way only He can. I hope that doesn't sound cliche; it's just what I truly want for us both. Love you friend.