I went to a birthday party for a one year old girl today. That is a pretty big step for me. I initially planned on not going but have been mulling it over for a while. I figured I'd see how I felt today before committing to anything. I felt fine while I was there; I had no jealousy even despite the abundance of kids, pregnant friends, and moms. When we got home I felt a little jealous though. Right now, I feel a little bit empty. I'm proud of myself for going, and I have another few months before the next friend's baby turns one so hopefully I'll be even better by the next party. I'm not up for baby showers though yet. Baby steps, if you don't mind the pun.
There's this tension going on in my head and my heart between feeling the ache of not being able to bear my own children and knowing that where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. I'm satisfied and yet discouraged all at the same time. Our profile has been shown now 5 times I think in the last seven months, and obviously we haven't been chosen yet. Again there is tension in me between wondering what is wrong with our profile that we haven't been picked and knowing that God is choosing each of the parents specifically for the child, and that He has already chosen ours (or has He? I despise the predestination/free will argument). Anyways, I'm again satisfied and discouraged all at the same time.