Update on the Book

I think I have put down Men and Women:  Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb for now because I'm not finding it to be what I'm interested in at the moment.  I did really find good information in the first half of the book.  Larry Crabb described selfishness in such a way that it helped me desire to be more selfless.  I think we are all generally selfish but are capable of selfless motives and actions.  I want my motives and actions to be more selfless.  Doesn't that sound like more fun?

I started another book today, Afflictions by Edith Schaeffer.  So far I'm very intrigued.  It deals with how to live amidst afflictions, whether large or small.  My initial reaction to a tragedy or hardship is to ask, "why?" 

Here are some quotes from the first chapter:

"God gave us the possibility of tears to help express sorrow at the reality of battle wounds in the midst of life.

"...the question of Why? is without an answer for our finite minds, except in the concept of the total picture of what history has been since the Fall."

"The infinite, personal Living God has done what our minds cannot grasp.  If we could understand all that God understands, we would no longer be finite and human."

Schaeffer, Edith. Afflictions. Grand Rapids, MI: Raven's Ridge Books, 1993.

For What I am Thankful

I am thankful to God...

...that I have not been able to get pregnant and therefore get to adopt.
...for what the last six years of marriage (almost) have taught me about patience, love, and selflessness.
...for being able to work part time and having lots of extra time to cook, clean, take care of David, spend time reading, hang out with friends, and play with the dogs.
...for the small group we are part of and especially for all the women in the group whom I have been able to share life with.
...that our church has an awesome service on Sunday nights geared toward community and life-worship.
...for my family.  I am where I am because of their help and support.
...for relationships and communication, which I believe are the "stuff" of life.

The weight is lifted off

Working part time is without a doubt "working" for me!  I absolutely love it.  I'm pretty sure everyone at work can tell I'm much happier to be there.  David is getting meals every day I don't work, even if they haven't turned out so well!  I get to do grocery shopping, laundry, run errands, clean the house, read, and play with the dogs without the pressure of time.  It seems as though time has always been the enemy because of not having enough of it with either school or work.  I also have more desire to hang out with friends, which is enriching.  I am very blessed to be in this situation.  I don't know how long it will last but I'm going to try to savor every day of it!

Currently, I'm reading Men and Women:  Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb.  So far it is excellent.  I am not very good at sticking these kinds of books out to the end but I'm going to try.  Good accountability opportunity for you readers ;).  I'll let you know what I think when I'm finished!

Big Step

I went to a birthday party for a one year old girl today. That is a pretty big step for me. I initially planned on not going but have been mulling it over for a while. I figured I'd see how I felt today before committing to anything. I felt fine while I was there; I had no jealousy even despite the abundance of kids, pregnant friends, and moms. When we got home I felt a little jealous though. Right now, I feel a little bit empty. I'm proud of myself for going, and I have another few months before the next friend's baby turns one so hopefully I'll be even better by the next party. I'm not up for baby showers though yet. Baby steps, if you don't mind the pun.

There's this tension going on in my head and my heart between feeling the ache of not being able to bear my own children and knowing that where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. I'm satisfied and yet discouraged all at the same time. Our profile has been shown now 5 times I think in the last seven months, and obviously we haven't been chosen yet. Again there is tension in me between wondering what is wrong with our profile that we haven't been picked and knowing that God is choosing each of the parents specifically for the child, and that He has already chosen ours (or has He? I despise the predestination/free will argument). Anyways, I'm again satisfied and discouraged all at the same time.

Here to Stay

David decided to turn down the assignment to the Pentagon. It was a pretty easy decision for both of us. Staying here feels right. David is ready to retire sooner rather than later. The Air Force has been his life for the last 19 years and he is ready to move on next year. I'm so proud of him for working so hard. His hard work has put him in the spotlight many times and he has been nominated for positions and awards that most airmen don't get to see. I am also proud of him for serving so many years and making the decision to move on to a new career in law enforcement that he is eager to pursue. He was set for promotion in the spring which he now won't be able to take, but I'm proud of him for choosing to pursue his interests over money and prestige.

More Unknowns

We found out this week there is a possibility our assignment will be cancelled. Basically, the job requires the person to be able to stay there 3 years, and David plans on retiring in 2 1/2 years from now. He had to write a letter explaining this and sent it to personnel. We will see in another few weeks if they cancel the assignment or not. Hopefully!!! I am planning as though we will end up going so that I don't find myself running out of time getting the house ready to rent if that happens. And of course, still waiting on a baby could change things too.

We have been reading 1Timothy in our small group on Tuesday nights. The last chapter has a couple verses that are so important for me to grasp right now. In 6:6 it says, "Godliness with contentment is great gain." I can't imagine someone being Godly but not content, so I think they go hand in hand. Then in 6:8 it says, "But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." When it comes to money and things, all I need to live is to have food to eat and clothes to wear. Everything else is just bonus. It doesn't matter where I live, I can have contentment anywhere God sends me.

Also, on Sunday our discussion group in church was talking a little bit about whether we live as though we are owed certain things in life. One of the girls brought up that she had, over the last few years, come to realize that her idea of the perfect life was not God's idea of her perfect life. She has been in the process of learning just what her life is about now that she understands that what she thought her life was supposed to be like wasn't. She said she's discovered new things that she never realized she was passionate about. I thought that was very thought provoking and encouraging. It made me think about how I have been envisioning my perfect life.

So my perfect life consists of living in Tucson, keeping our friends and growing with them and making new friends, having children, staying at home with them for a while, David retiring in a couple of years and becoming a cop, watching our kids grow and learn, helping them discover life and giving them new experiences, finding a job as a nurse that I feel I can make a significant contribution, and keep going on my life in this kind of pattern. I think that while all of those things are great and things we can work toward, none of them are guaranteed. I live in the future way more than I ever live in the present. Instead of looking forward so much, I want to see where I am right now and just live in that.

I can say that this week it has been a little bit easier to live in the present now that I am working part time. I really, really enjoyed my days off this week. I had two days off, and the time is much appreciated since I haven't had much free time in the recent past. I feel a little more like I'm thriving instead of just surviving.

Feelin' Good

I'm feeling good right now, better than I've felt in a couple of weeks. I think it's a combination of church tonight, watching Knocked Up on tv right now, and the Ambien I took about an hour ago!

Anyhow, I'm having a moment of clarity. Everything is going to work out just as it should.

So if you haven't heard, David got an assignment to the Pentagon last week. His report date is Feb 15th. We talked with our adoption case worker last week and let her know our situation. If we end up getting placed with a baby before then, it is likely we won't end up going to DC. The assignment can be deferred for 6 months from the date the baby is placed in our home. Since David will have just under 2 years to go after that 6 months, we should be able to get the assignment cancelled.

However, if we do not get placed with a baby before February, we are moving to DC. We'll be renting out our house and putting a bunch of stuff in storage for our return in 2 years. I don't know what the adoption plan will be after the move, that is something we are exploring but trying not to worry about making a decision until the time comes.

If we stay, I'll be totally thrilled because that would mean we'd have our baby...what we've been waiting for for over 2 years now.

If we go, I'm looking forward to the unknown...I know that sounds crazy coming from me but at this moment now (I can't speak for tomorrow!) I'm looking forward to new experiences in a new place.