Ask my parents and they will tell you that I am terrible at making decisions. My closest friends would probably say the same thing. When it comes to making decisions with my friends about what to do and where to go, I shy away because if what I choose turns out not to be fun, I'll feel it was my fault. And deep down inside I'll be afraid of what others will think about me as a result.
When it comes to making decisions about my life...relationships, career, family, finances...I'm afraid to make a decision and it turn out to be disastrous. I'm afraid of being miserable. Four years ago I made a decision about a job that turned out to be a huge flop...I was miserable and the job wasn't suited to me at all. In the end it was that decision that gave me the guts to change careers, so even though I was miserable and regretted my decision, it turned out to be one of the best things that could have happened to me. Now I am a nurse because of that "wrong" decision. And being a nurse is the third most "right" decision I've made (1st being choosing Christ and 2nd being David). Still, being miserable IS miserable, and the fear of it remains in me.
But now every night that I am not at work I lay in bed while David is asleep, and I think about what to do with my career. I'd say I'm 75% content with my job at the moment. I like taking care of my patients, the benefits are great, and I like the people I work with. The 25% that is not content is related to the field of nursing I am in. When I am not at work I keep thinking about what it would be like to work in labor and delivery. I love babies, and helping to deliver babies during my L&D clinical when I was in school was the most amazing experience I think I've ever had.
Making this career change would mean I'd have to move to a different hospital, have fewer benefits (no other hospital can compare to the benefits offered by the VA), and start all over in many ways. So, do I give up my benefits, the comfort of knowing what I'm doing, and enjoying the people I work with? Or is my level of contentment more on a weighted scale--even though I have three things I'm happy with and one that I'm not, is that one thing really worth more than all the other three put together?
I think so.
So, I'm making my decision. I'm going to apply to work in labor and delivery this summer, with hopes of starting in August. I will be free from financial commitments to the VA at that point, so it makes logical sense to wait until then, though the waiting will be hard.
I will probably be fearful for the next 4 months that I am making the wrong decision. All I can do is remind myself of the avenues that God opened as a result of my "wrong" decisions in the past. Reminding myself of that will probably not relieve me from much of my anxiety. But God's provision is truth. And truth is the only thing that is certain. Therefore, God's provision is certain.