Finding Faults

Finding faults in others is something I find myself doing way more often than I'd like to admit. I'm currently reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. I started reading it because I've been wanting to read a good book and it was the only one on the shelf I haven't read completely through. And I've been too lazy to make it to the library. I had to persevere through the beginning of the book because it didn't say much I haven't heard a million times. But now that I'm about halfway through I'm glad I kept with it. This quote--"possessing the knowledge of someone's sin is a powerful and dangerous thing," struck a cord with me.

So much of marriage discussion in church revolves around focusing on yourself and your relationship with God. We're told to look at ourselves and find how we can depend on God and not our spouse for our fulfillment. We're encouraged to serve rather than focus on being served. Blah, blah, blah. All that is well and good, but I've heard it a million times!

The quote struck a cord because I realize that when I have a bone to pick with David, it is because I see some sort of "sin" in him that bothers me. But seeing that IS dangerous, because then I can blame my own shortcomings on him. His sin becomes a scapegoat for my own sin. My own sin exists apart from him, but because I can see his I then link my actions and feelings to his sin rather than separating my sin from his and turning to God for forgiveness, grace, and change.

This doesn't just apply to David, either. I do this with friends. I've been sort of proud of being the person who brings up what everyone else is thinking but won't say for fear of causing hurt feelings. I feel like I'm being brave and standing up for myself and everyone else, but I need to start evaluating this and realize that I can't blame my situation or frustration on anyone but myself.

Learning About Adoption

As I said in my last post, we started our adoption educatinal seminars this month. I have enjoyed them immensely for several reasons. I already spoke about the first class in the last post, so I'll go on to the second class. We had an adoptive father come to speak to us about the waiting that's involved. He and his wife waiting 2 years before they were matched. It was great to hear about his struggles and frustration of waiting, but it's also good to hear him and the two ladies from the previous week talk about how it is so easy to look back know and see how the wait was worth it and designed how God intended. He had a few options prior to the baby they were matched with but decided that those other babies weren't right for them. When they see those other children now they look at them and can see why their child is their child, and why the children they decided not to adopt were meant for another couple (they all get together each year for a picnic). Anyways, until the phrase "When it's meant to happen, it will" coming from these other adoptive parents, I HATED that saying, or sayings like it. It wasn't so much the saying, it was the knowing that the person who it was coming from was trying to give advice in an area they knew nothing about.

One other thing he mentioned last week that made me feel so much better was while they were waiting to adopt, his wife could be around some mothers and their kids and not others. That made me feel SOOOO much better, because I couldn't understand why it is no problem for me to hang out with some mothers and their kids and not others. It was good to know that maybe this is a normal feeling.

Last night we had a birthmother speak who had just given birth 6 weeks ago. The adoptive parents were there to speak to, and it was an awesome experience. It was so good to see both sides of it.

I also realized that I am not yet in any sort of excitement phase about adoption. People keep asking me if I'm excited and of course I say yes. But the thing is, I'm keeping my emotions calm because I know that once we get certified and we are officially on the list, it will be an extremely emotionally charged time. Right now, I just want to enjoy the things I have going on in my life and not be consumed on thoughts of adoption, because I know I will have plenty of time to be excited, worried, to cry, to hope, to be let down, then one day to have our baby and it all be worth it.

The New Job and Adoption

The new job is going very well. I miss getting off at 3:30 every day but at the same time it has been REALLY nice to sleep in later. Hopefully I will drag my butt out of bed every once in a while to work out before work. We'll see. I did go on Saturday to a yoga class at the base and it was great. The teacher was not all new-agey so it turned out to be a great workout and my abs are hurting! David said he wanted to try it so I would love it if it turned out to be something we enjoy doing together. We are also going to hopefully try out a kickboxing class on base too this week. Again, we'll see.

We had our adoption orientation class at the end of February. We received our to-do packet which, as you can imagine, is quite involved. We have chosen an agency our friends used who adopted in the past. We are hoping to have all our paperwork completed by the end of the month so we can schedule our interviews and home study. Average wait time after we get certified is 9-13 months, but the range is 2 weeks to 2 years. Right now we are working on our paperwork and going to our educational seminars, which are every Tuesday this month. Our first educational seminar was last Tuesday and the topic was infertility. At first I thought, oh great, my favorite topic, and what can they possibly talk about that I don't already know? But it turned out to be fine because they had two adoptive moms come in to talk about their experiences, and they talked a little bit about their infertility but spent most of the time talking about their adoption experience, which was nice to hear their stories.

Regarding my own infertility, I have decided to stop getting any fertility treatments, which includes stopping the clomid. Our adoption agency actually requires that we discontinue fertility treatments, but I am stopping them sooner than we need to and am at peace with my own infertility. Well, that may not be completely true because even though I am fine with not being able to get pregnant so far, I am still not fine talking with/about most of my friend's pregnancies/births/baby showers, etc. So I guess that means I am not completely at peace with it. I don't know, either way, I am much better than I used to be. (Please don't comment on this paragraph unless you have experienced infertility yourself.)

I wish it hadn't been five weeks since I wrote the last blog, but hopefully I will have more news to report on now that things aren't so much at a standstill as they used to be.