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http://jeffandken.blogspot.com/2009/12/great-commission-in-context.html

Invisibility and Contentment

I think we all feel kind of invisible at times.  Jealousy is something that can make me feel invisible.  Rejection can make me feel invisible.  Not being the center of attention can make me feel invisible (which I find interesting since I decided I'm probably an introvert--the jury is still out on that one though).  Not having my desires taken into account by other people can make me feel the most invisible.  When I feel invisible it is usually because I feel I deserve to be treated better or because I think "If only..." then life would be better and I wouldn't be invisible.

What I think counteracts the invisible/insecure feelings is having a measure of contentment.  Attaining this would happen differently for everybody, but will generally have something to do with changing perspective or attitude.  So go ahead, I dare you to answer the sentence, "For me to gain a measure of contentment without changing any of my circumstances, I need to..."

I feel more content than I ever have in my life, despite sometimes feeling invisible.  What I most recently read in Afflictions by Edith Schaeffer is that we can only ask/expect to have a measure of contentment.  We are not perfect beings and therefore can't reach a fulfillment of contentment.  I believe I have a measure of it, and that makes me feel like I'm "traveling light".  And because I'm feeling this way, I'd like to go on a new venture.  (Don't worry, I'm still keeping my job!)  I don't know what this means, and I'd love some guidance.  Brainstorming is not my forte.  All my brain can process is that I want to find something where my talents or skills can be used for something I'm passionate about.  I don't know exactly what I'm passionate about, but if I had to pick some interest areas they would be elderly people, homeless people, women and children in poverty, people who are depressed, people who are disabled.  I'm generally a worker bee but I'd also love to be part of something dynamic.  I think there's something out there, but I haven't found it just by perusing the volunteer websites or church bulletins.

Comment away if you have any suggestions!

Update on the Book

I think I have put down Men and Women:  Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb for now because I'm not finding it to be what I'm interested in at the moment.  I did really find good information in the first half of the book.  Larry Crabb described selfishness in such a way that it helped me desire to be more selfless.  I think we are all generally selfish but are capable of selfless motives and actions.  I want my motives and actions to be more selfless.  Doesn't that sound like more fun?

I started another book today, Afflictions by Edith Schaeffer.  So far I'm very intrigued.  It deals with how to live amidst afflictions, whether large or small.  My initial reaction to a tragedy or hardship is to ask, "why?" 

Here are some quotes from the first chapter:

"God gave us the possibility of tears to help express sorrow at the reality of battle wounds in the midst of life.

"...the question of Why? is without an answer for our finite minds, except in the concept of the total picture of what history has been since the Fall."

"The infinite, personal Living God has done what our minds cannot grasp.  If we could understand all that God understands, we would no longer be finite and human."

Schaeffer, Edith. Afflictions. Grand Rapids, MI: Raven's Ridge Books, 1993.

For What I am Thankful

I am thankful to God...

...that I have not been able to get pregnant and therefore get to adopt.
...for what the last six years of marriage (almost) have taught me about patience, love, and selflessness.
...for being able to work part time and having lots of extra time to cook, clean, take care of David, spend time reading, hang out with friends, and play with the dogs.
...for the small group we are part of and especially for all the women in the group whom I have been able to share life with.
...that our church has an awesome service on Sunday nights geared toward community and life-worship.
...for my family.  I am where I am because of their help and support.
...for relationships and communication, which I believe are the "stuff" of life.

The weight is lifted off

Working part time is without a doubt "working" for me!  I absolutely love it.  I'm pretty sure everyone at work can tell I'm much happier to be there.  David is getting meals every day I don't work, even if they haven't turned out so well!  I get to do grocery shopping, laundry, run errands, clean the house, read, and play with the dogs without the pressure of time.  It seems as though time has always been the enemy because of not having enough of it with either school or work.  I also have more desire to hang out with friends, which is enriching.  I am very blessed to be in this situation.  I don't know how long it will last but I'm going to try to savor every day of it!

Currently, I'm reading Men and Women:  Enjoying the Difference by Larry Crabb.  So far it is excellent.  I am not very good at sticking these kinds of books out to the end but I'm going to try.  Good accountability opportunity for you readers ;).  I'll let you know what I think when I'm finished!

Big Step

I went to a birthday party for a one year old girl today. That is a pretty big step for me. I initially planned on not going but have been mulling it over for a while. I figured I'd see how I felt today before committing to anything. I felt fine while I was there; I had no jealousy even despite the abundance of kids, pregnant friends, and moms. When we got home I felt a little jealous though. Right now, I feel a little bit empty. I'm proud of myself for going, and I have another few months before the next friend's baby turns one so hopefully I'll be even better by the next party. I'm not up for baby showers though yet. Baby steps, if you don't mind the pun.

There's this tension going on in my head and my heart between feeling the ache of not being able to bear my own children and knowing that where we are right now is where we're supposed to be. I'm satisfied and yet discouraged all at the same time. Our profile has been shown now 5 times I think in the last seven months, and obviously we haven't been chosen yet. Again there is tension in me between wondering what is wrong with our profile that we haven't been picked and knowing that God is choosing each of the parents specifically for the child, and that He has already chosen ours (or has He? I despise the predestination/free will argument). Anyways, I'm again satisfied and discouraged all at the same time.

Here to Stay

David decided to turn down the assignment to the Pentagon. It was a pretty easy decision for both of us. Staying here feels right. David is ready to retire sooner rather than later. The Air Force has been his life for the last 19 years and he is ready to move on next year. I'm so proud of him for working so hard. His hard work has put him in the spotlight many times and he has been nominated for positions and awards that most airmen don't get to see. I am also proud of him for serving so many years and making the decision to move on to a new career in law enforcement that he is eager to pursue. He was set for promotion in the spring which he now won't be able to take, but I'm proud of him for choosing to pursue his interests over money and prestige.