Things I Don't Like To Admit

This past week I have realized there are two things going on in me that I don't want to admit. First, that I am jealous. I've never "considered" myself to be a very jealous person, but I'm pretty sure that I am. I think it probably started when I was little and was always jealous of my older sister. I was jealous that she was smarter and that she could think more cleverly than I could. I think that's part of where my perfectionist tendencies are rooted. I think I tried hard to make things happen my way and to be as smart as I could and know as much as I could so that I could outsmart others. Then, I wouldn't ever have to feel jealous. So for a long time I haven't felt much jealousy. Now, however, this not getting pregnant thing is a big wake up call about jealousy for me. I'm jealous of others who can have a baby when they want one but that I don't get to have a baby when I want one. I'm jealous of others who are at home with the babies they gave birth to and that I'm still working full time when I want to be raising a child. I'm jealous of others who get the thrill of reading a positive pregnancy test.

When I isolate David and me in my mind, I am happy with the way things are. I'm looking forward to adopting a baby and loving him/her so much that I won't have words for it. In the meantime I'm satisfied working and saving money so I can stay home at least for a while. I even kind of feel special that I haven't been able to get pregnant so instead we will get to adopt a baby. But when I start comparing David and me to our friends, the jealousy is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming I had to leave our small group this week crying because I was so upset after finding out about a friend's new pregnancy.

Next thing I don't like to admit: I'm angry at God. I've never felt angry with God before. I don't even remember feeling frustrated at him. I've always reminded myself of the truth that God works things together for our good. That even if I can't understand the reason for something, God has a perfect purpose in it. But just yesterday I realized I'm a little angry with God about not having a child yet. I'm not a lot angry, just a little. I don't want to admit that, because I know my anger is unjustified. I know when we have a baby, that I will look back and understand the reason for the wait. It's just hard to see that now. It's hard that none of my friends can empathize with me. And it's funny, I'm mad at God yet he is the only one who can understand.

A while back I wrote in a blog that not all lessons are hard lessons. Sometimes God makes our lessons easy. Sometimes he doesn't. This one is not so easy. God is not calming my storm this time, he is trying to calm me.

While We're Waiting

I haven't asked David how he feels, but I'm starting to get tired of the question, "What's new with the adoption?" I have a feeling it's a bit like when you're unemployed and looking for a job, and everyday someone asks, "What's new with the job search?" I know people are just curious and hoping to hear some good news, but unfortunately I don't have any. It's nothing I fault anyone for asking either; I'm just as curious with people who are out of jobs, say, to find out if anything new has come along.

It's only been 4 months but it sure feels like a lot longer. I think it feels so much longer because the not getting pregnant thing has been going on for over 2 years now. Usually every day I ache for a baby, but also at some point during my day I am content in the moment with the way things are. David and I were talking last night about how we can't let getting a baby become our idol. If we could think about God and be thankful for His blessings as much as we covet a baby, I am sure we would find ourselves more patient.

Blessing

I almost titled this post, "Mini Blessing". Is there such a thing? In my eyes, it seems so, but what about it God's eyes?

Anyways, I got my schedule for the month of August at the new job. We're open late every Tuesday, and I only have to be the late person twice in five weeks. I also get to work at the new satellite office that is just down the street 4 times in the month, which I am very excited about! I thought I might only get to go there once a month or so, but turns out it is more often.

Yay!

ESFP

I was inspired by Katie's blog to go through past blogs and came across a personality profile I took about a year ago. The results were different, but I'm not surprised. Some are different probably because of change, but some because of the nature of the questions. I don't consider myself to have a black and white personality, so sometimes I'll think of myself one way and sometimes the opposite.

The Caregiver

You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first.
A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change.
You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project.
You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people.
I'd say this is pretty accurate except for the being in groups thing. While I do enjoy groups, I find myself more comfortable in smaller settings.

In love, you value harmony and mutual understanding.
You will apologize or give someone the benefit of the doubt, if it means getting over a fight sooner. Yes, absolutely. I apologize even when I'm not sure it is warranted.

At work, you are good at building relationships and connecting with people.
You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher. Whew. Last time it said something about being a designer...no way!

How you see yourself: Organized, dependable, co-operative. Organized, yes. Dependable would depend on the situation--my dependability coincides with my priorities at the time. Cooperative--only sometimes. If I don't agree with what's going on I am uncooperative.

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Opinionated, critical, and know-it-all. Yes, yes, and yes.

Staycation

Normally I have every other Wednesday off work, but because my co-worker has a visitor coming the week after next, she offered to work Monday instead of Wednesday for me. So I get a three day weekend next weekend! I am excited. I initially thought about planning a vacation to Sedona or some other place close by. I was trying to think of where I'd like to go and I asked myself what my ideal three day vacation would be. I realized it would not necessarily involve spending money to stay someplace new or go to a new town/city. It would involve doing activities I already know I enjoy like bowling, shopping, hiking, getting a massage, etc. So I decided I don't need to go somewhere to have a great three-day vacation; I can do it right here in Tucson! I'm going to act like I'm not at home and not do any cooking (not that I do it anyways), cleaning, bills, email, facebook, etc. I'm going to plan my time like I would plan a vacation. So feel free to post a comment with some staycation ideas!

New Job!

Don't worry, I didn't quit. Still going strong in the same job for over 5 months now! But, in three weeks, I will basically be starting a new job.

We found out at work today that the doctor I work for is no longer going to be in practice by himself but is joining a group of allergists. He is probably going to be heading toward retirement in a few years and this will allow him more flexibility for him and his wife. He and his wife have been trying to find a way for him to cut back, keep his employees employed, and allow his patients full access to care while he cuts back. He said he had tried in the past to join other groups but none would take care of his employees the way the group we are joining offered to. The new group we are joining is gaining our doctor plus two new doctors, so it works out that they will be able to afford the extra employees. My new office will only be a couple miles farther from home than it is now, so I'm satisfied with that. The benefits are better at the new place which is great. I'm looking forward to meeting new people. Apparently they have only had one employee leave in the last 15 years, which is comforting.

Certainly this move will help keep me from getting bored. It will be like starting a new job. The only problem is it is obviously causing some anxiety since it is 2am and I am awake and writing this post! Not necessarily bad anxiety, just a general anxiousness with starting a new job and having a new boss. Hopefully sleep will come soon...

Acceptable

I thank you, Peter Hochuli, Judge of the Superior Court of the State of Arizona, for ordering us "acceptable to adopt children."

We received our letter in the mail on Thursday.